Flash Fear
by shatterthoughts
Summary: Barry's been avoiding Star Labs. Basically, what would happen if Barry had a medical phobia.
1. Chapter 1

Barry had been avoiding Star Labs. First the excuses had been work, then time with Iris, and eventually it had turned into ignored calls and curt text messages. It wasn't until a run in with a criminal that left Barry starved and exhausted that he finally showed up.

He was lying on the wheeled in bed, drinking his third bottle of water, when Cisco finally came back with the energy bars in hand.

"Eat two," he said, "And take the rest." He pressed a bag into his hands, "And this time, don't wait two weeks to come get more."

Barry bit off a piece immediately. "Will do," he said between bites.

Dr. Wells wheeled over. "Since you're here, Barry, I thought we'd take some blood samples, and we should get that physical done. You've been awfully busy lately.

"I want to see how your body fights off disease," Caitlin said, wheeling over a tray of medical supplies, "I've got a flu shot here with a live form of the virus."

"You could be the cure to the common cold," Cisco said.

"Uh," Barry said, looking up at them, "I actually really have to go. Joe'll kill me if –"

"Barry," Caitlin said, putting down the syringe she was getting ready, "I think Joe can wait, you just got here."

"I um," Barry said, "I just, I've been late and, uh-"

Cisco looked from Barry to Caitlin, the first floundering and fidgeting and the second with her jaw clenched and an expectant look on her face. He looked at Barry to find his eyes flitting back and forth from down at his hands to the point of the needle that Caitlin held. "Uh, dude," he said, "It's not the needles is it?"

Barry's head shot up. "Needles? No, of course not, I'm just – I've been really busy, I mean work and everything and being the Flash and-"

"And the needles?"

"Alright, so it's not really my favorite thing in the world," Barry said, holding his hands up defensively.

"Over ten percent of adults have a phobia of needles," Caitlin said, still readying the supplies, "It's perfectly normal. And also perfectly possible to work around."

"It's not just needles," Barry said.

"Medical phobia is also very common," Dr. Wells said.

"Yeah well, that's great, but I really do have to go, so," Barry said, starting to get up.

"You're not leaving until we're done," Caitlin said, "We need to check your blood levels anyway after that attack."

"I'm fine, really."

"Then the blood levels will come back normal."

Barry cringed, watching Caitlin move the equipment. "I don't think it's really necessary."

"It'll be fine, Barry, it'll only take a minute," Dr. Wells said.

"You didn't have problems before," Cisco said.

"Yeah, I mean I stabbed you in the chest with a needle after you breathed in the Mist."

"I couldn't breathe," Barry said, cringing, "And the rest of the time it was just adrenaline."

Barry could feel his chest tightening, looking at the needle. He tried to take deep breaths but the normal calming technique wasn't working, in fact it seemed like he was just fueling the panic.

"Whoa, Barry," Cisco said as an alarm started to beep, "Calm down, man, you're heart rate just spiked. It's way too high, even for you."

Dr. Wells looked over at the monitor, concerned, before turning his attention back to Barry. "Barry, I need you to breathe, calm down."

"I am breathing."

"Slower."

"Isn't that kind of impossible for me?"

"Slower than you are right now, everything's alright."

Barry started to shake, and then he was essentially vibrating. And then, he wasn't there at all.

Cisco, Dr. Wells, and Caitlin stared at the empty bed. "He ran," Caitlin said.

"This may be a little more difficult than we thought," Dr. Wells said.

Cisco threw up his hands. "Great – the next medical miracle – afraid of shots."

**Hey so let me know, comments, suggestions, critiques – please review! Hopefully not too OOC, but you know, only a few episodes out – will continue soon but I'll probably update faster if I know people want to read it – so review please! Let me know what you think! I'll be back shortly with more!**


	2. Chapter 2

"Sorry I'm late," Barry said, quickly walking into the police building and going up to Joe. "The cab driver just –"

"It's fine, Barry," Joe said, "You're just on time actually, we need to get down to a crime scene."

"Oh, perfect," Barry said.

"Just come on," Joe said, pressing a coffee into Barry's hands and heading for his car outside.

"Oh, thanks," Barry said, "You know I don't usually drink coffee, though."

"Figured you burn through it fast enough now that the caffeine won't get to you too much anymore."

"Worth a shot," Barry said, taking a sip. They got into the car and Joe started to drive off.

"So what's the crime scene?" Barry asked, still sipping the coffee.

"Robbery?"

"What place?"

"Some jewelry store," Joe answered. Barry was about to ask more, but just then Joe turned up the radio. Barry drank the coffee while looking out the window, quickly getting lost in his own thoughts. It wasn't until they Joe stopped the car that Barry realized where they were.

"Star Labs?" Barry asked, looking at Joe in confusion. For maybe a full second, Barry was utterly confused, then the sigh from Joe and that familiar look on his face flashed a light bulb

"You tricked me," Barry said.

"Barry –"

"They called you?"

"Dr. Wells –"

"I can't believe you lied to me and told me there was a robbery!"

"Barry, come on, let's just go inside and get this over with."

"I'm not twelve anymore, Joe, you can't drag me in there," Barry said. His stomach was clenching but he was telling himself it was just anger and not fear.

"Barry, I know you don't like –"

"I'm a perfectly capable adult, Joe, I don't need you to lie to me – now I'm going back to work, where I'm supposed to be right now."

Barry got out and slammed the door to the car, already looking for a taxi.

"Barry," Joe said, going after him, "Dr. Wells called me and said you had to have some bloodwork done. He emphasized that this was _very_ important, and that a physical examination, to make sure you are not going through _adverse_ effects, was _imperative_."

"I'm fine," Barry said.

Joe grabbed his arm. "Well then let's go make sure."

Barry ripped his arm away. "I'm fine. I don't need any physical. And I don't need you to coerce me into going. I can take care of myself."

"I know that," Joe said, softer, his hands open, "Which is why, I brought you here. Because I know that you'll make the decision to take care of yourself."

Barry clenched his hands, wanting nothing more than to run as fast as he could as far as he could away from there. The fear was needling its way into his brain again. He did not want to go in there. He really, really did not want to go in there.

"And I know," Joe said, placing a hand carefully onto Barry's shoulder, "that it can be very hard for you. Which is why I am here."

Barry looked up at him, working his jaw. It felt like his muscles were rung tight as a wire.

"I really don't want to," he said, despite himself.

Joe took a step forward, leading him towards Star Labs.

"It'll be fine, Barry, I promise."

Logically Barry knew that there were a million reasons for testing. They still had no idea really how he was doing what he did, or why he was even alive. They still had no idea what any side effects could be. They still had no idea if his body could hold the answers to diseases and disorders. And at the very least, he had been in a coma for months, had to consume a ridiculous about of calories, and hadn't been to a regular doctor's appointment in over two years, though he would deny it if Joe asked.

But none of that stopped the crippling desire to run out of that exam room as soon as he stepped foot in it. It didn't help that here he was, being led in by his pseudo father to the dreaded doctor's office like some five year old.

"For the record," Barry said upon entering and seeing the three scientists ready and expecting his arrival, "I feel personally betrayed."

"Sorry, man," Cisco said, "Desperate times."

"It wouldn't have been a problem if you returned any of your calls," Caitlin said.

Barry cringed. Dr. Wells smiled at him and patted the bed already set up for him. "Come on, Barry. We'll get everything done quick for you."

Barry gingerly sat down and reclined on the bed, wringing his hands together. Caitlin started with the usual monitors – the machinery to monitor his brain waves and pulse – he was used to that stuff. They used it often.

"Heart rate's up, but you're nervous. Try to keep calm," Cisco said, watching the monitors.

"I am," Barry said.

"Blood pressure normal," Caitlin said.

"Good," Dr. Wells said, writing something down. "What about your injuries, Barry?"

"They're all healed," he said, just as Cisco leaned down to take a look at the place where a cut had been.

"Hm," Dr. Wells just said, looking to Caitlin.

"Alright, now just look at me," Cisco said, shining a light into one eye and then the other. He continued the action when Barry felt a hand on his arm. He immediately jerked it back, spinning on Caitlin, who held a needle in her other hand.

"It's alright, Barry," she said, gently, "Just keep looking at Cisco for me."

Joe's hand was on his shoulder again, and Cisco was smiling, making some joke, trying to get his attention, but Barry was shaking his head back and forth, looking at Caitlin and holding his arm back. Suddenly his breathing had kicked up and his head was spinning.

"No, no, I can't," Barry said, pushing himself up on the bed. Caitlin pulled the needle back, out of view.

"Yes, you can," she said gently again, "just look at Cisco for me, OK? You'll barely even feel it."

His breathing faltered, catching in his throat, and then suddenly he was gone.

There was a whoosh of air and Barry was across the room, all the monitors ripped off and papers flying. He was pulling down his sleeves, tugging at the bottoms.

"I can't do this right now," he said too fast, clenching his hands again and shaking his head. "It's just too much at once, I'll come back."

"Barry," Dr. Wells started.

"No," he said, "I'm sorry, I just can't."

Joe took a step towards him and then Barry was another five feet back. "Barry," he said softly, "Come back and sit down. We'll take it nice and slow, try again."

Barry shook his head. "I can't do it right now, Joe."

"I know, I understand, Barry," he said, taking a careful step forward. "We won't do anything, OK, just come sit down, alright. Let them put the monitors back on, and we'll sit for a minute."

Barry could feel his heart thudding in his chest. He pulled at the edge of the collar of his shirt. He was sweating and his hands were trembling.

"Cisco," Dr. Wells said, "Why don't you get him some water."

"Right," Cisco said before darting out of the room. He came back a minute later, and after a pause, started walking towards Barry. Barry stayed where he was. He was starting to feel sick.

Cisco handed him the water and Barry took it, hand still trembling. He opened the bottle and took a sip, then another, letting out a deep breath. Cisco tentatively put a hand out against his back. "Come on," he said, leading him back to the bed. Barry hesitated in front of it, but sat down again, gripping the water in his hands, looking anxiously from face to face. They finished putting the monitors back in place, and then Caitlin carefully brought the syringe back out.

Barry's eyes stayed on it like glue. Immediately his hands started shaking again and his heart rate and breathing kicked up.

"I'm going to go really slow, OK, Barry," Caitlin said, "It's just me. I promise, you'll barely feel it. I'll be really quick." Joe's hand clamped down on Barry's shoulder, but Barry barely noticed. Caitlin got the syringe to within about an inch of Barry's arm when he pulled it away again, and it was tucked in next to his chest.

Barry swallowed hard and forced his arm to go straight again. "Sorry," he said, "I'm trying really – I just – I panicked." Caitlin moved the needle towards him again and the same thing happened.

Barry took a shuddering breath, wiping his hands down his face. "I'm sorry," he said again, "I just can't – I can't stay still." His whole body was practically vibrating. The panic was racing through his blood. He could feel tears prickling at his eyes, his heart feeling like it was going to explode. He just kept seeing the needle sticking out of his arm in front of his eyes and he felt like he was going to pass out.

"Barry," Caitlin said, "It's alright. It's just a needle. It only hurts for a second."

"I know," he ground out, shaking, "I know, I just can't –"

Caitlin slowly handed the needle to Cisco, then took both of Barry's hands in hers. She brought them down to his lap, holding them there. "Shh, it's OK," she said, "We're all afraid of something. Just take nice deep breaths, come on, like this." She started taking in long, even breaths.

Barry tried to match her, but somehow they still came out shuddering.

"That's good," she said, "Everything's alright." Her eyes flited to Cisco for just one second, and on cue he started to move in towards Barry's arm.

Barry jerked back with a sharp intake of breath, but Caitlin still had his hands in hers. "Hey, look at me," she said, "It's OK. I'm right here. Joe's right here. You're alright."

Barry flinched away, screwing his eyes shut for a second and squeezing tight on Caitlin's hands. Joe rubbed his shoulder as the needle pierced his skin.

"Ah," Barry said, the pain, although minor, seeming to cause a ripple across his skin, adrenaline spiking, causing ever nerve ending to tingle.

"Shh, it's alright, it's alright," Caitlin said.

"Almost done," Joe said.

Barry clenched his jaw, shudders running through him. For a second he couldn't breathe, then his heart kept pounding and he sucked in another sharp breath.

"Done," Cisco said, removing the syringe of blood and quickly taking it away for testing.

Caitlin smiled at him. "It's all done," she said, still holding his hands.

Barry opened his eyes, still trembling. Dr. Wells wrapped a bandage around his arm and carefully rolled his shirt sleeve down over it.

"I feel sick," Barry said.

"Drink some more water," Joe said, unscrewing the cap for him.

Barry took a few sips, the grey color fading a little from his face. After a few minutes his breathing and pulse were almost back to normal.

"Do you want something to eat, Barry?" Dr. Wells asked.

It seemed like a long time for the question to make sense inside Barry's head. He shook his head slowly.

"You should eat something anyway," Caitlin said. Dr. Wells came back with a sandwich in a couple minutes. Barry took a bite halfheartedly. He tried to smile to hide how he was still shaking a little bit, but it melted off his face as soon as Caitlin let go of his hands to get something from the tray again.

"I think maybe that's enough for today," Joe said.

Caitlin looked down at the tray. "We can do what's left another day."

Barry felt a momentary rush of relief at that. He leaned back farther on the bed.

"Sounds good," Cisco said.

"Why don't you take Barry home, Joe," Dr. Wells said.

Barry didn't need to hear that twice. He got up off the bed and was at the door before anyone else could say anything.

"Get some, sleep," Caitlin said.

"You did great, Barry," Dr. Wells said right before Joe caught up to him and they started walking out.

Barry didn't feel like he did great, he felt like he let the fear take control of him again, like he had embarrassed himself in front of his friends and had acted like a child. On the ride home he alternated between berating himself for not just getting it done with, reliving the massive relief that it was over, and working through the remaining bits of panic that always seemed to stick around afterwards.

Joe walked into his apartment with him, but within five minutes Barry was passed out on the couch. Joe just smiled and decided to leave him alone for a little while. He'd check up on him later. He walked out, closing the door quietly behind him.

**OK guys what do you think? Not meant to be Barry/Caitlin but read it however you want – next chapter some Iris and Barry brother/sister type, but maybe something if you squint - Review please! I'm thinking a run in with Captain Cold again soon – it kind of bothered me in the episode how he healed so quickly even though it's supposed to be the one thing that could kill him, something that could slow him down. Might make it a bit harder to recover from then they did in the show – let me know your thoughts!**


	3. Chapter 3

Barry swung the door to his apartment open.

"You didn't tell me you had a doctor's appointment!"

A very unhappy looking Iris West was at the door, arms folded across her chest and staring straight at him.

"Yeah, well, no one really told me either," Barry said.

Iris pushed her way inside and Barry shut the door, following her to the kitchen table where she began unpacking a bag.

"Yeah, heard my dad brought you to a 'crime scene.'"

"Crime scene turned out to be Star Labs."

She turned around to him. "You're still going there?"  
>He shrugged. "They were the one's monitoring me while I was in the coma – they know the most about what's going on with me."<p>

"They give you any news?"

"Not yet."

"How'd it go?"

"I don't really want to talk about it, Iris," Barry said, plopping down on the couch again.

She held up a bowl to him, complete with a spoon sticking out. "Mint Chocolate Chip," she said, "Eat."

He took the bowl and swirled the spoon experimentally. "You know you're pretty demanding for playing the helpful friend."

Iris sat down next to him, her own bowl of ice cream in hand. She pointed at him with her spoon. "Oh you know you want it, it's your favorite."

Barry took a bite. He was getting hungry.

"So," she said, "What'd you have to do?"

Barry looked down at the ice-cream. "Blood test."

She cringed. "Ooh."

"Yeah."

"Remember –"

"I do and I do _not_ want to talk about it Iris."

"Oh, but you were just _adorable_ –"

"NO."

"I mean, they had to send a fire truck –"

"_Iris_-"

"You had splinters for weeks!"

"I was twelve!"

"You must have climbed thirty feet up that tree!"

"If you're trying to help, then it's not working."

"OK, OK, I'm sorry," Iris said, stifling her laughter. Her expression took on a more serious tone. "Really, Barry, was it alright? You're OK?"

"Yeah, I'm OK," he said, his stomach clenching again.

She just tilted her head at him. "No you're not."

He played with the spoon in the bowl. "I have to go back."

"When?"  
>"I don't know."<p>

"What do they have to do?"

"I don't know."

She frowned at him. "Well a good place to start might be to ask."

"I know they want to give me some shots."

"Well, that's not as bad as having blood drawn."

Barry pulled his arms in tighter subconsciously and shivered. "No."

"Do you want me to come?"

"No, it's OK."

"I'm coming."

"Iris –"

"I've known you your whole life, Barry, you don't need to be embarrassed about me going with you. I've gone with you before."

"That was different."

"How was that different."

"I was younger."

"It was like three years ago Barry. Lots of people bring friends and family with them when they go to the doctors."

"Let me find out what they have to do first," Barry said. He wondered if it was anything Flash related, or just normal stuff like they had done earlier that day.

"What did you do when you had to go before, anyway?"

"When I had to go before?"

"Yeah, the past couple of times. You didn't ask me to go."

"Oh, um, I just, you know –"

"Barry."

"I mean I –"

"Barry Allen!"

"What?"

"You haven't gone since then, have you?"

"Well –"

"Oh my God Barry – you broke your finger last year – you told me you had it checked out!"

Barry smiled sheepishly, shrugging his shoulders. He knew he was in trouble now.

"That is not healthy for you, Barry!"

"Yeah, I know."

"Oh my God, Barry, you're going to be the death of me. If you weren't already looking absolutely miserable I'd hit you! Not to mention drag you to the doctor's right this minute. Your family has a history of blood disorders!"

"Well, I'm fine now," Barry said, "No blood disorders, just struck by lightning."

She gave him a hard glare. He averted his eyes. "If there is even one thing wrong with that blood test they took, so help me God –"

"They already checked me out while I was in a coma."

"Good."

"Can I have some more ice cream?"

She narrowed her eyes at him. He smiled.

"Only because you had a rough day." She got up to get some more, but popped her head back around the wall, pointing her finger again, "And because you did finally go."

She came back with the ice cream and Barry attacked it, suddenly starving again. She watched him, significantly less agitated then before.

"So a blood test?"

"Yeah," he said between bites.

"You do OK?"

"It was fine."

"Are you sure you feel OK now?"

"Iris, I'm fine."

"I know you always say that, but you always get, you know, afterwards."

Barry did know, but Barry didn't really want to talk about it right then, especially since he was trying to ignore exactly what she was alluding to, but he couldn't hide the way his hands still trembled on and off or how he kept flinching when she reached for his arm. The anxiety never just stopped after the initial attack, or after the danger had passed. It stuck around and lingered in his system, sometimes for a few hours, sometimes for a few days. Panic attacks, they'd called them – the shrinks and the psychoanalysts – panic attacks that left his brain addled and exhausted, touchy to any new threat or danger.

He closed his eyes, running a hand over his face. "I'm just tired," he said, even though he had slept for the past few hours.

She smiled at him. "Why don't you get some sleep, Barry. I'll stop by again tomorrow on my way to work, if you're here."

"Sounds good," Barry said, not altogether against the idea of escaping into sleep for a little while longer.

She touched his leg, smiling again. "Call me if you need anything, OK?"

"Got it. Thanks."

"What are friends for?" she said, grabbing her purse, and heading for the door.

The robbery was sudden and abrupt, over before anyone had even realized it started, and Barry arrived as Flash right at the end, when Captain Cold, carrying millions in bills from the bank, was just exiting the building.

"Drop the bag," Barry said.

Captain Cold just smiled at him, the gun in one hand, the money in his other.

"We've been through this before," Captain Cold said, "As I recall someone ended up dead."

Barry's jaw clenched. "Drop the bag," he repeated.

Cold tilted his head, smiling, mouth open. He held his arm up high, and unclenched his fingers. The bag dropped to the ground.

A second later the gun was aimed at Barry and his finger was down on the trigger, a shot blasting from the muzzle. Barry was out of the way before it even got close to him, twenty feet to the right, behind a pillar.

"How do I stop him?" Barry asked into the mouthpiece, searching for an answer.

"You can't," Cisco said, "Not yet at least."

"Barry, get out of there, it's just a robbery," Caitlin said.

"I just need to get the gun away from him," Barry said, "Every time he walks free we give him a chance to come back and hurt someone else."

"Where are you streak?" Cold asked, tauntingly. "Still want me to drop that bag?"

"We don't have a way to fight him."

"I can't just do nothing," Barry said, and he sped off, this time stopping right behind Captain Cold. He brought back a fist to punch him, but Cold spun just in time, and with the butt of the gun, slammed Barry to the ground. The gun lit up, and then Barry screamed, a searing pain shooting through his abdomen, burning like fire. Barry stumbled away, and Cold kicked him in the head, sending him sprawling. He laughed.

"What now, streak?" he asked. Just then a siren blared in the background. Cold looked up, annoyed. He quickly disappeared, the money in tow, not sticking around to wait for the cops. Barry heard them as well, and, struggling to get up, he ran.

"Barry? Barry?" Cisco said into the monitor. The next thing he knew Barry was in front of him, sinking to the ground and yelling in pain.

"Barry?" Caitlin yelled.

"Cold – the gun," Barry groaned out, "Hurts."

"Get him on the gurney," Caitlin said, grabbing one arm while Cisco took the other. They laid him out on the bed where he twisted in pain.

They tore away the fabric of the suit, revealing a patch of darkened frost bite that covered half his side, twice as big as the last time he was hit with the gun.

"Oh, God," Cisco said.

"This had to be at close range," Caitlin said, staring at the wound.

"Guys," Barry said, grinding his teeth together.

"Get something to warm the area," Caitlin said. Cisco came back with towels soaked in hot water and placed them on the wound.

"Should we amputate?" he asked.

"I can't amputate his side," Caitlin said.

"Well what can we do?"

For once, Caitlin seemed at a loss. "We can reheat the area and remove any dead tissue. That's about it."

"That's not helping," Barry said, squirming from the pain.

"It's not supposed to help the pain," Caitlin said, "It's supposed to defrost tissue. I can't give you anesthesia, you burn through it. Just hold on, your body should heal it."

"And if it doesn't?" Cisco said, looking at the frostbit skin that seemed more burnt than frozen.

Caitlin didn't say anything, but she wheeled over a table with some several tools that neither Cisco nor Caitlin were going to show Barry just yet.

"You doing OK, Barry?" Caitlin asked, looking up at him.

"Never… better," he ground out.

"You're healing," Caitlin said, already seeing the effects around the edges. Cisco brought another towel soaked in hot water. Barry sprang up when he put it on, his abdomen muscles tightening.

"That hurts," he said, as Cisco pressed his shoulders down and he squirmed away from the towel.

"It'll help you heal," Caitlin said, "Hopefully."

"What?"

"Just try and stay still."

After about a half hour, they had determined that the wound, although severe, would heal with Barry's speeded cell regeneration. Cisco and Caitlin called Dr. Wells, who was out for once, and then went back to Barry, who had his eyes closed, and laying rigidly. Cisco and Caitlin exchanged a glance.

"Barry," Caitlin said gently, touching his arm.

Barry flinched, grimacing.

"How you doing, man?" Cisco asked.

"Still hurts like hell," Barry said, "But better."

"For the record, I'm working on a sedative that will work on you," Caitlin said.

"Excellent," Barry mumbled, his head hitting the back of the bed again.

"Um, Barry," Cisco said, "There's just one thing – with frostbite that bad – even with you, well…"

"You need a tetanus shot," Caitlin said, trying to offer a reassuring smile.

Barry's eyes snapped open. He looked from one to the other, then his face crumpled.

"Not now?"

"Well –"

"I had a tetanus shot!"

"Barry, it really is necessary," Caitlin said.

He looked back and forth between them again. "Oh, come on," he said.

"It'll just be one second," Caitlin said, "I promise."

Barry backed up on the bed, pushing himself up. "I – I just –," he looked at where Cisco was already getting the shot ready, "Just give me an hour," he said.

"We want to give it to you before your body finishes healing," Caitlin said.

"And since we don't know when exactly that'll be…" Cisco trailed off.

Cisco handed Caitlin the shot, and she took his arm gently. Barry's breath caught in his throat and he panicked, shaking his head and tugging on his arm. Caitlin put the shot down, and got an antiseptic wipe, rubbing it across his skin. The smell of rubbing alcohol burning in his nose and he ripped his arm away this time.

"No, guys, please," Barry said, "I – I can't do that right now – I can't –"

Caitlin stuck him with the shot.

Barry froze, his heart kicking in his chest and the breath like ice in his lungs. Caitlin pulled back the shot and he stayed, absolutely still.

"Barry?"

He started shaking, and then he was hyperventilating, except he was hyperventilating at super speed and the shaking had almost turned to vibrating and he couldn't feel his hands or feet and his face was tingling and he couldn't breathe but he was breathing too fast but there was no air and he was going to die.

"Barry? Hey, Barry, it's alright, you're right here, it's OK," Caitlin said.

Barry didn't hear her, but he saw her, and suddenly he jerked back, and then he was five feet away, shaking.

"You – you," he said. He couldn't breathe. His head was spinning and he couldn't breathe and the whole world was blurry.

"It's all done, Barry, it's OK," Cisco said.

But Barry was staring at Caitlin and all she could see in his eyes was fear, absolute terror. He hugged his arms around himself, clutching at where she had injected him, his jaw trembling. Tears leaked from the corners of his eyes, one falling down his face, but he didn't notice, didn't feel it, didn't feel anything except panic, and then he was gone.

**Dun dun dun. Next up more Iris and Barry – about to get very comforty. Some Caitlin in there too. Not sure I got all the correct facts on frostbite but I tried to make it as accurate as possible – also not sure I got Captain Cold's personality down, but I'm working on it. I know there really wasn't a lot of action but that's not really what I'm trying to get at in this fic – might put more in with later chapters. Let me know what you think and review! Suggestions and ideas always welcome!**


	4. Chapter 4

Cisco called Wells and Wells called Caitlin and Caitlin called Joe and Joe called Iris and basically everyone called Barry but Barry wasn't picking up his phone so the chain ended with Iris, who promptly left a date with Eddie that was sort of wrapping up anyway and quickly made her way to Barry's apartment.

The first time she knocked on the door, he ignored her. The second time she heard footsteps, knew he was checking through the peep hole, and then heard footsteps walking away again.

"Barry, I know you're there, open the door," she said, knocking again.

"I'm busy."

"My dad called – I know what happened."

"I don't want to talk."

"Barry, open up the door." There was no answer, and she banged on it again. "Barry, if you don't open this door I will call my dad and have him break it down for me."

The door opened.

Iris walked inside, but Barry was already walking away, falling onto the couch where he had apparently been laying previously, grabbing a blanket and pulling it over him.

Iris carefully surveyed the one fallen chair, which lay on its side in the kitchen, the pillow lying against the far wall, and shoes which were lying in the middle of the walkway from the door. She carefully moved around them and sat down on the edge of the couch.

"Barry."

"I don't want to talk."

She placed her hand on his knee, rubbing softly. He was half lying down, his face between the couch cushion and a pillow, eyes closed.

"They said you got hurt."

Barry didn't say anything.

"Cut your stomach on some rusty metal."

Nothing.

"Had to get a tetanus shot."

"I don't want to talk about it, Iris."

"You really shouldn't, you know, run away from your doctors."

"They're not my doctors."

"You just told me two days ago –"

"They didn't wait."

"What?"

"They didn't wait – they just did it – she just –" His voice choked off.

"She surprised you?"

He didn't say anything.

"She's your friend you know, she's just trying to help."

"It hurt."

"It's a shot, Barry."

"I couldn't breathe."

"You can breathe fine. It just felt like you couldn't."

Barry sat up straight, his body shaking, suddenly looking right at her. "I can't do this," he said, shaking his head, his eyes glued to hers, red and bloodshot, his hair a mess, "I can't go if they – I just – I needed them to wait – I needed her to wait and she – she just –"

"Shh, Barry," Iris said, and Barry didn't know how, but she was hugging him and he couldn't breathe and he was still so scared and he just wanted to fade into that embrace, to disappear. "It's going to be fine," she said, "She – Caitlin? Caitlin was just trying to help – she probably thought it would be easier for you if she just got it over with. We'll talk to them, OK? You can tell her that you can't do it that way – that it has to be slow, OK?"

"I – I don't want to go back."

"Well, you don't have to go anywhere right now, OK? Just relax." Iris leaned back again, letting him go, and the expression on his face, pained and dreading, almost made her cave. "I'm going to call Eddie, and he's going to pick me up some muffins, and I'll have him drop them off, and we are going to sit here and watch some movies, alright?"

Barry squeezed his eyes shut, "I don't want him –"

"I won't say anything," Iris said, "Just tell him you're having a bad day."

But Barry had his head in his hands now. "I have to go in to work –"

"I will call my dad."

"But –"

"No – trust me – after getting a frantic call from Caitlin, I'm pretty sure he'll let you have the day off."

Barry just looked up, exhausted and miserable, looking at Iris, her eyes wide and expectant, her full attention on him. "Thanks, Iris."

* * *

><p>"No."<p>

"Barry –"

"I'm not going."

"They have to look at the cut, Barry."

"The cut is fine. Tell them I looked at it. It's fine."

Barry walked around the table in the kitchen of his apartment, forcefully pulling out dishes and a frying pan, ignoring Iris.

"I know yesterday was really rough, Barry, but they have to see you. They need to make sure everything is OK."

Barry had seventeen missed calls on his phone and apparently they had picked up on the fact that that was not going to work, because Iris showed up at half past eight knocking on his door.

"I'm not going in. I'm staying home and I'm cooking breakfast and I'm going to read the new science magazine and then I'm going to sleep for like three years."

Iris grabbed his arm, and he spun around. She was almost glaring at him, but not quite, her face stone and he had just enough time to think '_oh no_' before she started to talk.

"You do remember that you were in a coma for nine months, right."

"Yes, Iris, but –"

"And I waited, for nine months, for you to wake up. I waited, for nine months, knowing you might _not_ wake up. And now you are, and it's a miracle, and I'm not going to let you make yourself sick again. You're too smart to avoid your doctors, and you mean too much to me for me to just sit by and what you get hurt again."

Barry cringed, looking down at his shoes. "You know it's not like that – I don't mean to hurt anyone, especially you –"

"I know. Now get your shoes on, grab a breakfast bar, and let's go to Star Labs."

Barry met her eyes again, a desperate look on his face, pleading.

"No," she said, "That works on Joe, not me, remember."

Barry grumbled and went to get his shoes.

Ten minutes later they were on a bus and Barry was tapping his foot eccentrically and feeling like he was going to throw up. His hands were clenched to fists and he already felt like he couldn't breathe.

"It'll be OK," Iris said, putting her hand over his, rubbing her thumb across his knuckles. "I won't let them do anything without telling you first, I promise."

Barry figured he should probably be saying something about how he didn't want her over there since she would inadvertently find out that the cut was not actually a cut, but severe frostbite, but to be completely honest the idea of going in without her was starting to terrify him. He knew that Caitlin and Cisco were trying to help, but he couldn't deal with them in a medical setting. He was barely making it through this with Iris without jumping out the nearest window; he didn't think he could do it on his own.

By the time they got there Iris barely got him off the bus and when they were on the grounds, the door in sight, he froze.

"Iris, I can't," he said, panic bubbling up in his voice. He started backing away.

She looped her arm through his. "Yes you can, come on. I'm right here with you."

She didn't say anything as he started to hyperventilate, just led him calmly through the door and up the elevator.

When they finally entered the room, Cisco and Caitlin were waiting for him, Dr. Wells a little ways off. Cisco went straight towards him while Caitlin walked off with Iris like it was rehearsed. Cisco walked across the room with him 'just to check some things out' while Caitlin distracted Iris.

"Let me see it," Cisco said, gesturing to Barry, positioning himself so that Iris's view across the room would be blocked.

Barry lifted up his shirt. It still hadn't healed entirely, even with his cell regeneration. There was dead tissue that clung to the healthy skin, and although the whole thing looked much better than it had before, there was still a considerable wound.

"She can't see it," Barry said.

"I got it, I'll tell her –"

"I need her to stay."

"You need her to stay?"

Barry swallowed and nodded. "Yes."

Cisco only hesitated a moment before switching gears. "OK, I'll take care of it – I got it, go back over to Caitlin, tell her I'm setting up."

Cisco disappeared and Barry walked back over to where Iris and Caitlin were talking. Dr. Wells had gone with Cisco.

"Barry," Iris said as soon as he reached them, placing a hand on his arm, "I just told Caitlin that you need things to go a little slower."

"I'm so sorry, Barry," Caitlin said, "I thought if I –"

"It's OK, Caitlin," Barry said, "I know."

"I should have asked, I'm sorry."

"It's alright." Barry tried to smile, but he couldn't stop looking around, his eyes flitting from one instrument to the next.

"Where's Cisco?"

"He's uh, setting up."

Her eyes widened. "Oh."

If Iris noticed the odd change in her demeanor, she didn't say anything. They kept talking for a few minutes until Cisco came back, accompanied by Dr. Wells, and wheeling an odd contraption in through the doors.

It was a curtain rack suspended by what appeared to be two mobile IV stands and a black sheet draped over it. He wheeled it over to the bed and smiled wide, holding out his hands.

Iris turned her head sharply to Barry. "Is this some kind of weird tech thing I've never heard about?"

Caitlin answered for him. "No, that's a shower rod." She walked quickly over to him.

"Alright," Cisco said. "Barry," he turned to him, "You, can lay down here." He gestured to the bed. Then he dragged a folding chair over, "And Iris, you can sit right here. And we," he ran around to the other side of the bed, pushing the curtain contraption closer, "Will do everything over here. You don't have to look at it or see anything."

"But you'll still –" Barry started.

"We'll still tell you everything we're doing," Caitlin said quickly, "You just won't have to look at it."

Barry's stomach turned. He wasn't sure he liked the idea of not being able to see what they were doing, but he looked at Iris and understood what Cisco was doing. He just nodded, braced himself, and got into the bed before he lost his nerve. Iris sat down and soon he was gripping her hand until his knuckles turned white, looking at Cisco and Caitlin over the curtain. The pole went right across his shoulder and the sheet fell against his stomach and then between his legs, blocking off the right side of his body for Caitlin and Cisco to work on.

"The first thing we're going to do," Caitlin said, "Is give you a local anesthetic."

"That means a shot," Cisco said.

"Cisco!"

"Sorry," Cisco said, "I mean, it's really small, I promise. I'm not just saying that – it's small and it's just to numb the area so we can work."

Barry moved his free hand, shaking, over his stomach, where his shirt was lifted up. His breathing hitched and he turned to Iris, eyes screaming.

"It's OK," she said calmly, still smiling.

On the other side he felt Caitlin gently lift his hand and move it to the side. Cisco had his hand on his shoulder.

"Deep breaths, Barry," Wells said.

"Are you ready?" Caitlin said.

"No," he said.

"Barry," Iris said, her voice firmer but still calm, "You're alright. Tell Caitlin you're all set. You can do it."

He couldn't breathe and his head was spinning but his body felt strung so tight that he just wanted it all to be over, just wanted everything to be done so he shut his eyes tight and squeezed down hard on Iris's hand and nodded quickly.

There was a sharp pain and then a sweeping numbness that burned a little. He clenched down on his teeth and didn't say anything, breaths heaving his whole body in shudders.

"All done, Barry, that was great, we can start now," Caitlin said, and then carefully, "We have to cut away some dead tissue. It won't hurt, OK? You shouldn't feel anything, but if you do, just tell us and we'll stop, immediately, OK?"

Barry nodded, and on the other side Caitlin went to work, Cisco handing her tools when she needed them.

Barry, although he tried not to, seemed to tune in to his side, hypersensitivity setting in. At every twitch he jumped or cringed or jerked his hand.

"Barry," Cisco said, "I'm going to take your hand, alright, dude. I'm just going to hold it down so you don't jerk it upwards and end up cutting it on any of the tools. If something hurts, just say so and we'll stop."

Barry did not like that. He liked being able to move, and Cisco had one hand over his and the other clamped on his arm, Dr. Wells taking over and helping Caitlin, but Barry also was afraid of cutting himself so he didn't say anything, just tried to crush down the panic at the feeling of being restrained.

Just when he was starting to relax, he felt a sharp pain, and he jumped. "That hurt," he said immediately, his heart rate kicking up.

"OK," Caitlin said, "tell me if you feel this." There were a couple of pokes and Barry nodded his head, looking up to see Caitlin's reaction. "OK," she said, "The anesthetic wore off. I can give you another shot, or I can keep going. There's only a little bit left. It's your choice."

"Finish it," he said, bracing himself.

"You sure?" Caitlin said, "It's going to hurt. You can tell me if it's too much and you want the shot instead."

"Just do it," he said. The idea of another shot made him feel like he was going to throw up.

Caitlin kept going and Barry hissed and flinched a few times but it wasn't that bad – not nearly as bad as when he first came back from having been shot. The pain wasn't really the problem – it was the idea of them tearing and cutting into him that was anxiety provoking to him.

"OK," Caitlin said, "All done."

Cisco wheeled the curtain away and Barry finally relaxed, his shoulders going limp and leaning back against the bed, his eyes closed.

Dr. Wells handed Barry a glass of water and smiled and Iris didn't let go of his hand, even though they were done. Barry might have thought more on that if it weren't for the fact that he was still kind of terrified and he really wanted to go home now.

"Hey, Barry, we just need one more thing," Caitlin said, "We need another blood sample."

Barry felt like screaming.

"There might have been some, er, effects, from the uh cut that we were previously unaware of," Cisco chimed in.

Barry's eyes snapped up.

"Effects?"

"We don't know anything yet," Caitlin said, "it just um, occurred to Cisco that there might be some… minerals, in the uh metal that could be _damaging_ to someone like you."

"You mean like because of the coma?" Iris asked, confused.

"Yeah," Caitlin said, "The coma."

"Not today," Barry said.

"It has to be today," Dr. Wells said, "It'll only take a moment."

Barry hit his head back against the bed and laid there, trying to stop his breath from shuddering and with his face screwed up. He was not going to cry now, not in front of all of them, not after all that. He was not going to cry.

"Barry?" Iris said, her voice impossibly gentle. "I'm gonna roll up your sleeve." He felt her fingers against his arm. He was exhausted and scared and he didn't want to do this. "And I'm just gonna hold your hand here," she said, placing her hand over his, "and Caitlin's going to do it now, OK?"

He couldn't breathe and he couldn't move but the world was spinning. Iris nodded at Caitlin and she brought the needle to his arm. He jerked away when she started and shuddered, then trembled, and didn't stop until she was done and he still had his eyes squeezed shut trying to breathe.

"Barry," Caitlin said, "You're all done now."

He couldn't talk because if he talked his voice would do that wavering stupid pathetic thing and he just wanted to sleep.

But he opened his eyes and didn't say anything and got up to go after a few moments, Iris's arm linked in his again, and he looked back at Caitlin and Cisco, who were smiling at him and taking his samples of blood to be tested. Tested for something. He turned back around, a sinking feeling in his gut.

**More on the mysterious blood test next chapter! Tell me what you think and review! Might kick it up a little too and try something different. Hope you guys like it and any suggestions are always welcome! **


	5. Chapter 5

**Note: This chapter will have DEFINITE spoilers for the last episode, 1x06, but it will NOT follow the plot of 1x06 exactly, rather I'm going to take the character of Tony Woodward and basically go more in depth on certain parts (mainly where Barry is beat up, obviously) – hope you enjoy!**

The last thing Barry remembered was running down the main route to Star Labs. Next thing he knew he was waking up in a bed with Caitlin fiddling with something on his hand. It only took another couple of seconds for the pain to hit him.

"Uhh," Barry groaned, turning his head.

"Barry?" Caitlin said, "You awake?" Her voice sounded like she was talking through a megaphone.

Barry opened his eyes slowly, "Yeah."

"You want to tell us exactly what you hit?" Wells asked.

"A man."

They all looked at him.

"A really big, bad, man." Barry groaned again.

"You have thirteen fractures in your hand alone," Caitlin said, "I suggest you don't go hitting him anymore."

"What's on my hand?" Barry asked.

"It's just to stabilize the bones while they heal," Caitlin said.

"How's it feel?" Dr. Wells asked.

Barry groaned.

"Well, we have good news for you too!" Cisco said, holding up a test tube of something. "We did a blood test while you were unconscious, so no needles."

"Excellent," Barry said, leaning his head back again. "Hey, what was that all about last time, anyway?"

"Oh, well, we're not really sure yet," Cisco said, ducking behind a counter.

"But what are you even looking for?" Barry pressed.

"We really just have to run some more tests, first," Caitlin said.

Barry looked from her to Dr. Wells. "So you're not going to tell me, because you don't want me to freak out."

"There's no need to worry unnecessarily," Dr. Wells said, "We'll let you know what we think when we have something definite."

Barry was about to argue when there was a cutting pain drove up his hand. "Ow," he yelled, turning his attention back to Caitlin.

"Sorry," she said, "I have to move these bones back in place."

She made another small adjustment and Barry nearly screamed, twisting in his seat. The pain took his breath away.

"We could give you some anesthetic," Cisco said nonchalantly.

"No thanks," Barry ground out.

"I have three fingers left," Caitlin said. Barry caught a glimpse down. At least one of them was skewed off to the side at a sharp angle.

"I thought that stuff didn't work on me anyway," Barry said.

"Let's just say this one is some very strong stuff," Cisco said, bringing a syringe out to Caitlin.

"It would just be one pinch," Caitlin said, "And then you won't feel anything."

"No thank you," Barry said.

"Barry," Dr. Wells said.

"You said no more needles," he pleaded.

Dr. Wells just looked at him and Barry looked down at his hand, then up at Caitlin and back again.

"Just one pinch?" he asked.

"Just one pinch." Caitlin reassured him. Barry's eyes stuck to the needle and Caitlin moved her hand to block his view. "Don't look," she said, "Take a deep breath."

There was a sharp pain, then the burning feeling, and then everything was numb. Barry let out a long breath as Caitlin put the shot down, quickly manipulating the bones back into place.

"You're becoming a natural, Barry," Dr. Wells said, smiling.

Barry felt nauseas but his hand wasn't on fire anymore and he leaned his head back against the chair.

"Yeah, well, I'd be really happy if I never had to get another shot in my life."

"Don't count on it," Cisco said.

"Cisco!" Caitlin said.

"What – I mean – well superhero and everything, just, you know, you get hurt." Caitlin shot him a pointed look. "But, I mean," Cisco floundered, "you're already doing great! It's been a couple weeks and you're already not running out on us anymore!"

"Thanks, Cisco," Barry said sarcastically.

"You know," Caitlin said, fiddling with the contraption on his hand, "We could, you know, try a series of desensitization** –"

"No."

"That way you don't have to wait until you're hurt and in pain to confront –"

"No, Caitlin, I've had enough of shrinks," Barry said.

"But it wouldn't be shrinks," Dr. Wells added, "it would be us."

"I've tried it before, I'm not doing it," Barry said.

"I'm guessing the experience wasn't ideal," Dr. Wells said.

"Let's just say she wasn't my therapist for very long."

"It could be really helpful, Barry –"

"Guys, please," Barry said, "Just, not right now, OK?"

"OK," Dr. Wells said after a moment.

"All done," Caitlin said. Cisco walked over and handed him a juice box.

"Apple juice?" Barry asked.

"Drink it," Cisco said, "You're dehydrated."

"Badly," Caitlin shouted from across the room.

"I don't think one juice box is going to do it," Barry said.

Cisco promptly dropped the twenty-four pack of juice boxes on the table next to him, a hole in the plastic covering where he had taken the first one out of.

"Oh," he said.

"Drink," Cisco ordered.

* * *

><p>Barry coughed, then looked up at the contraption in front of him. Cisco stood grinning by the side.<p>

"You made a metal man?"

Ten minutes later Barry was on the bed and Caitlin had his shoulder between her hands.

"I'm not gonna lie, it'll be quick, but it's going to hurt."

"Just do it," Barry said, gritting his teeth.

"Relax first."

"Hard to relax when you're about to push my shoulder back into its socket," Barry said. He sneezed and Caitlin paused, staring.

"Are you sick?" she asked.

He shrugged.

"Interesting."

"No more blood tests!"

She rolled her eyes. "I'm not going to make you do a blood test." She adjusted her grip slightly. "You know, you never told us what happened with that therapist."

Barry sighed. "I don't really want to talk about it, Caitlin."

"You know if we did that it would be different, right?"

Barry didn't say anything.

"We wouldn't do anything you didn't want to."

"There's too much going on already."

"Alright," Caitlin said, "Just think about it, OK?"

"OK," he said.

Caitlin jerked his shoulder into place, then. It caught Barry off guard and the wrenching pain tore through his arm and shoulder. He screamed, but almost instantly it felt better.

"Breathe," Caitlin said, rubbing his shoulder, "Feel better?"

Barry nodded, then sneezed again.

* * *

><p>"Barry!"<p>

"It's open."

Iris walked through the door and then froze, starring.

"Barry!"

"Shhh," he said, covering his ears.

He was lying on the couch and shivering, two blankets over him, surrounded by tissues, cough drop wrappers, and several containers that looked like they once held food.

"Barry, this is practically a biohazard," Iris said, walking carefully around mounds of discarded tissues.

"Sorry," he said, head nestled in against a pillow and the couch cushion.

"Oh my God, Barry, is this – you know what, I don't want to know," Iris said. She walked away and came back with a thermometer.

"Open up," she said.

"Ughhh," he groaned, pushing his face farther into the cushion.

"Barry," Iris snapped.

"Whhhaaat," he said. His eyes were red and his face looked gaunt, his face flushed with fever and his nose red and raw.

She stuck the thermometer in his mouth before he could argue anymore. When it beeped she took it back and he resumed his position with his head in the couch cushion.

"You're almost a hundred and three!" she said.

"Oh."

"Oh? Barry you need to go see a doctor."

"Don't wanna see a doctor. 'M just tired."

Iris started rifling through his papers until she came across his phone. Dead. She plugged it in and once it started up went through his contacts until she found Caitlin's and called.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Caitlin, it's Iris."

"Oh, hi Iris."

"Look, Barry's sick, like really sick, and I was just wondering, should I be driving him to a hospital or just bring him –"

"Wait, what do you mean he's sick, like –"

"Like fever of a hundred and three sick."

"Oh, no, um, bring him here, to Star Labs, I'll call Dr. Wells and get everything set."

"OK, and Caitlin, does this have anything to do with that blood test you guys had to take before?"

"I don't know," Caitlin said, "Maybe… just, get him here quick alright, I'll meet you at the elevator."

She hung up, and Iris looked back at Barry, who was still prostrate on the couch.

"This should be interesting," she said.

**** Desensitization refers to the therapeutic desensitization of one's fears by repeat exposure to that fear in comfortable, secure environments. (Such as, say, showing a needle-phobic person pictures of shots until they were comfortable with that, then having them look at a real-life syringe until they're comfortable with that, then having them hold that syringe, etc, until the phobia disappears) Just in case you didn't know. If you haven't guessed already I have a bit of a medical phobia too, though not as bad as Barry!**

**More soon featuring sick Barry and worried everyone else – also was thinking about how he hadn't been to doctors in quite a while – might make it so he was also avoiding say, the dentist? Let me know what you think and review please! I know this one was shorter but hopefully more very soon.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hello! So this is about to get very inaccurate medically – I'm making it as accurate as I can but I'm going to need you guys to just kind of roll with me on this one – suspension of belief and all – if you do notice anything glaringly wrong that you want to let me know about so I can fix it that would be much appreciated! Hope you guys like it!**

"Barry, I promise it'll be OK."

"No."

"Dude, you need to get fluids in you."

"Just let me sleep."

"It'll only hurt for a second."

Barry had his arms tucked in, eyes closed, shivering on the bed while Caitlin, Cisco, and Iris tried in vain to get him to agree to an IV.

"Barry, you've had one before, come on, you'll feel better," Iris said.

"Can you get me a blanket?" he asked.

"I'll get you one once you get the IV in," Iris said.

Barry frowned at her and turned to Cisco instead. "Can I have a blanket?"

"Barry, I _have_ to put the IV in," Caitlin said, stressing each word.

"I'm fine," he mumbled, "I just need to sleep."

Caitlin exchanged a look with Iris and then all three of them backed away for a second.

"What do we do?" Caitlin asked, directing it at Iris. "Cisco can hold him down while I get the needle in, but –"

"But we kinda specifically promised we would like, never, do that," Cisco said.

Iris sighed, "Trust me, they used to have to do that – it does not go well."

"He's sort of out of it already," Cisco said.

"Not that out of it," Caitlin retorted.

Iris turned back to Barry, taking his hand. "Barry," she said in a firm voice, "Caitlin's going to put the IV in. I'm going to hold your hand, alright, but you need to stay still for Caitlin, otherwise Cisco will have to hold your arm."

Barry's eyes snapped open. "No!" he said, fear flashing (**yes yes haha I know**) on his face.

"Barry," Iris said, "Give Caitlin your arm."

"No, Iris –"

"Barry, Cisco's going to –"

"Iris, I can't!"

"You've got three seconds, Barry –"

"You said you wouldn't do this!" His voice cracked and his body trembled, his back pressed up against the corner of the bed, mouth a strangled frown.

"Breathe, Barry," Caitlin said. He was shuddering and sputtering out breaths.

It was killing Iris to watch this, it always did. "I know, Barry," Iris said, her thumb rubbing circles on the back of his hand, "You're just really sick, and we need to get the IV in so we can start helping you. I know you're scared, but you've gotta do this for us, OK?"

Barry shook his head, his chest tightening. His whole body ached and the fever was only feeding his panic. He just wanted to go home. He never should have let Iris get him in the car.

"Come on, Barry, you can do it," Iris said.

"We're all right here," Caitlin added.

Barry was exhausted. He couldn't deal with this right now.

Caitlin looked at Iris, then at Cisco. Cisco took Barry's arm, moving it down. He let him for the first five seconds, before jerking it back.

"Please, later," Barry said, "I can't do it right now."

"You won't want to do it then either, Barry," Caitlin said, "And we need to figure out what's going on with this fever. Just relax. That's it. Look at Iris."

Barry was shaking and he did not want to do this. He did not want to do this but Cisco had his arm and he was pulling back but it was useless and he was weak. He tried to sit up, half fighting, and Iris pressed his shoulder down. She was holding tightly to his hand while his other one was getting closer and closer to Caitlin. Cisco moved deliberately, slowly, but his grip was firm.

In a last ditch attempt to get out of this Barry looked up at Iris, his eyes screaming, pleading with her.

"Please, don't," Barry said. The back of his wrist hit the bed and in a panicked burst he tried to pull back. "No, please, no, Iris!"

"Shh, it's alright, Barry, it's OK."

"No," Barry said, "Stop." He couldn't breathe and he couldn't look but he couldn't move his arm and he felt frozen, ten years old again as they pinned his arms to the doctor's table, screaming and sobbing, yelling at the doctors and his parents, anything to make it stop.

The needle pierced his skin and he screamed, "Stop!" He shook and his tremors of vibrations rolled down his skin, his speed mixing with the panic, but it was too fast to see. He jerked his arm, almost ripping it from Cisco's grip.

"Man, hold still," Cisco said, bearing his weight down just to keep him in place so Caitlin could work. She quickly drew a couple vials of blood before taping the IV in place, a process that Barry shuddered and hyperventilated and half-yelled half-pleaded through.

"It's done, Barry, it's done," Iris said, putting a hand against his forehead, wiping back his hair.

He shook his head. "No," he said, and his face was strained. "Get it out, take it out."

Iris felt her gut clench. "We can't do that, Barry, I'm sorry."

Barry leaned his head back, twisting back and forth. "Please, just take it out."

Caitlin had gone off to examine the blood sample, but Cisco was still holding his arm steady so he wouldn't rip the IV out.

"Can't you give him a sedative?" Iris asked, looking desperately at Cisco.

He shook his head. "Not in this condition." He didn't mention they didn't have a sedative strong enough for Barry's systems.

"I can't do this, Iris," Barry said.

"Yes you can," Iris said, "You're doing great, Barry. Just relax your arm a little OK? Then Cisco can let you go, alright."

"I want it out," he said.

"I know, but we can't do that."

"I want it out now." He started shaking again.

"Just hang in there, Barry," Iris said. She looked at Cisco, "Can you stay with him for two minutes?" Cisco nodded and she detached her hand from Barry's, walking away to make a call. Cisco started making jokes, trying to get Barry to snap out of the anxiety-ridden state he was engulfed in. He didn't appear to be making much progress.

Iris called her dad. She told him the situation, and he promised to be there as soon as he could. Maybe he could calm Barry down a little.

Just as Iris closed her phone, Cisco had just managed to get Barry to stay still so he could let go of his arm. Caitlin came back with the blood tests and Iris sat down next to Barry again.

Cisco and Caitlin stood a little ways off, looking at the results.

"His cells are running at different levels," Caitlin said, "Some of them are regenerating at their normal speed and some are regenerating much slower, not quite normal slow, but, still, noticeably slower."

"What does that mean?" Cisco said.

"His body's attacking itself," Caitlin said, "The cells that are regenerating faster are killing the ones that are regenerating at a lower speed – and his immune systems is practically in chaos, some systems fighting the slower moving cells and some fighting the faster moving cells, depending on the percentage of the slow or fast cells in that system."

"So if he gets a high enough percentage of one or the other in any system –"

"It could essentially just stop working."

"Well that's not good," Cisco said.

"No, that would definitely not be good."

"I take it you called Wells."

"Yes, but," Caitlin zoomed in on the tablet to explain, "I think, if we can stabilize the cells behavior, everything should get back to normal."

"Wait, how did this even happen?"

"It doesn't matter. What matters is we need to figure out a way to get all his cells regenerating at the same rate before his organs start shutting down."

"Captain Cold!" Cisco yelled, "The gun – when Barry got shot!"

"It would explain why they're moving slower," Caitlin said, looking down.

"What if when he got shot the frostbite got into his blood," Cisco said.

"And the blood traveled through his systems –"

"Affecting him like a virus!"

"So if we can reverse the process…" Caitlin jerked her head up. "I need a bathtub and a dozen hotplates."

"But with his fever if we raise the temperature –," Cisco said.

"Make that a bathtub, a dozen hotplates, and a few pounds of ice," Caitlin amended.

"On it," Cisco said, running out the door. Caitlin looked over at Barry. She let out a long breath. He was not going to like this.

"I really have to do this?" Barry asked for the fifteenth time since they'd told him.

"Yes," Cisco and Caitlin said in unison.

He was stripped down to his boxers, shivering. He was exhausted, panicky, and he felt like absolute shit, not to mention he was practically naked. If it weren't for the fever his face would be bright red. And they still had the goddamned IV in his arm.

"Just get in, Barry," Iris said, "Get it over with."

Barry gritted his teeth and stuck one foot into the ice water. His teeth chattered loudly.

"This is freaking freezing," Barry said.

"That's the point," Caitlin said.

"Come on, man, sooner you get in the sooner we can heat the water up," Cisco said.

Barry painstakingly lowered himself into the water, hands gripping the sides of the basin with white knuckles. They had the makeshift tub on top of what first looked like a bunch of mismatched metal squares, but were the hotplates they used in the lab. It would serve as a makeshift heater underneath the tub.

"Alright," Caitlin said. She reached up to his IV, which was hanging from a pole to the left of the tub, and added something to it. "This is going to burn a bit," she said.

"What is it?" he asked.

"A stimulant," she said. When she didn't elaborate, he knew it had something to do with his speed.

"Ah," he said, cringing as it entered his bloodstream. Iris gave him a reassuring smile.

"All the way in, Barry," Caitlin said, motioning for him to put his arms into the water.

"This," he said as he shivered, "Is cruel and unusual punishment."

"And your shoulders," she said, "Lean back."

Barry complied, but not before swearing colorfully.

A wave of dizziness washed over him all at once, and then a pain in his stomach exploded.

"Guys," Barry said, leaning his head back as his vision swam, "Ow, ow, God." He curled up, grabbing his stomach, but then almost slipped under the water.

"His heart rate just plummeted," Cisco said.

"Lean back, Barry," Caitlin said, jumping over to him and pulling at his shoulders. Barry tensed.

"My stomach, it hurts," he said.

"Appendix?" Cisco asked, looking at Caitlin.

"It shouldn't be," she said.

He grabbed his side next, fingers tearing at his skin.

"Guys," Barry said, clenching his teeth.

"Kidney?" Cisco said.

Caitlin didn't answer.

"What's going on?" Iris asked.

"It's OK," Caitlin said, "Just hang in there, Barry."

"Hotplates?" Cisco asked, already at the plug ready to turn them on.

Caitlin looked at the bag of fluid hanging on the IV.

"Now," she said.

He turned them on.

After a thirty seconds the pain was gone, and after five minutes Barry's head was starting to clear, and the aching pain in his whole body was beginning to fade. It was about then that Joe arrived.

"Dad!" Iris said, seeing him enter.

He walked over, smiling at Iris and then frowning when he saw Barry, his eyes closed and leaning his head over the edge of the tub.

"Hey, how you doing, son," he asked, looking down at him.

Barry held up his arm. "They put an IV in me."

Joe laughed lightly, then took his hand for a moment. "You feeling better?"

Barry nodded.

Caitlin and Cisco explained what had happened to Barry, and when Iris stepped out to make another call they explained what really happened to Barry. She had just come back when Barry starting shifting in the water.

"Umm guys," Barry said, "I know I was complaining about the cold earlier, but think we could try not to boil me alive?"

Caitlin checked the thermometer. "Ten more degrees," she said.

By the time they reached the temperature Barry was sweating and very happy to get out. Caitlin gave him a towel and Cisco brought him to get dry clothes after Caitlin took the IV out. Iris reached over and gave him a hug, even though he was still dripping wet with a towel around him, and told him she had to leave for work, but she'd meet up with him later.

When Barry came back, the rest of them were around the bed again and they all turned and they were giving him that look. Barry stopped where he was.

"I am just feeling so much better," he said, "I think I'll go back to my apartment now."

"Barry," Caitlin said, "We just need one more blood sample."

He turned in the opposite direction. "Feeling absolutely better, actually, just so much better – just perfectly –"

Joe caught his arm and with one hand over his shoulder spun him around and steered him back towards the bed.

Barry was hyperventilating by the time they got there.

"Can't it wait until tomorrow?" he asked, "I promise, no problems, I'll come right over."

He refused to lie down, and he couldn't stop tapping his foot. His mind was going in overdrive, and after the IV his body was already hyped up and his systems primed for panic.

"Come on," he said.

"Son," Joe said, "Just look over here, and let them do their job. It's alright, Barry. It'll be done in a second."

Barry took a deep breath and closed his eyes, waiting. He was able to keep his resolve while Caitlin gently took his arm, able to keep it together while she swiped an antiseptic cloth over him, but when the metal touched his skin, he panicked. And then, once again, he was standing five feet away.

"Barry, it's just one more," Caitlin said.

"Then you can go home and chill all you want, dude," Cisco said.

"We just have to make sure your blood's back to normal," Caitlin said.

"And what if it's not?" Barry said, panicking, going to the worst case scenario. "I can't – I won't do another IV, I can't do it right now."

"We don't know until we check," she said.

"I can't do it," Barry said, "I can't do it."

"Barry," Joe said, "Breathe. You're OK. It's just a blood test. You can do it."

"No, I _can't_."

"You have to stop telling yourself that, Barry," Joe said, "You can."

"I don't want to."

"I know, Barry."

And once again Joe had his arm around him and Barry was frozen, panic bubbling up and choking him. He couldn't breathe and he couldn't think but he also couldn't run, even the brief spurt five feet away had drained him. He was too tired.

"Please don't," he said, but even as he said it the needle slid into his skin. He was too drained to do anything but blink before the water at the corners of his eyes slid down, and to yell, looking sharply away.

Caitlin confirmed the results. His cells were almost entirely back to normal. She said it should take a couple of days for everything to be entirely normal, but it should be fine. And another day ended with Joe bringing an exhausted and drained, not to mention silent, Barry back to his apartment. In Barry's opinion, it was starting to happen way too often.

**As always let me know your thoughts! Probably will do dentist next - but I am considering the idea of bringing in a self harm element of the story - something along the lines of Barry feels like he has no control since they keep doing panic-inducing things to him essentially without his consent (even if they are justified in doing it)and this leads him to hurt himself in an attempt to not only control his fear (aka if i stick myself with a needle maybe i won't be afraid anymore) but also as a means of coping with the panic he's experiencing - but i might make that a sequel or another story altogether. I realize it can be triggering and it's just not everyone's thing - so let me know what you think. Should i abandon the idea altogether, make it a different story, or what? PM me or review and let me know!**


	7. Chapter 7

Barry sat at a table alone at Jitters, sipping a coffee and waiting for Iris to finish her shift. Meanwhile Iris was watching, handing customers their money back and grabbing lattes while furtively glancing at Barry every couple minutes.

He had his head down, staring at the table. For once his phone was nowhere to be seen, not to mention he was actually sitting down instead of leaning against the counter, criticizing her coffee making skills or going on about some new science tidbit he had found out. He was off, and he had been since he had gotten sick, maybe a little before that too. She figured he'd be better by now, that he'd have bounced back with time, but it had been a week and it seemed he was always either edgy and jumping or slipping into quiet brooding.

When the clock hit twelve she punched out, grabbed a coffee for herself, and slid into the seat across from Barry.

He looked up. "Hey."

"Hey," she said back.

They exchanged small talk for about five minutes before Iris stopped, silent until Barry looked up at her.

"What?" he asked at the look on her face.

"Do you want to go somewhere? Back to your apartment? What's going on, Barry, you look awful and you're barely talking to me."

He shrugged. "I'm tired."

She frowned. "Do you still feel sick?"

He shook his head quickly. "No."

"You're still panicky?"

He shrugged.

"You've gotta talk to me Barry."

He shrugged again and picked at a muffin he was eating. Iris saw him wince.

"Are you hurt?"

"No," he said, and the look of confusion was genuine on his face.

"You just winced."

"Oh, it's my tooth," he said, working his jaw and scrunching his nose.

It took about three seconds for Barry to realize he shouldn't have said that.

"Did you –"

"No, and it's fine," he said.

"Barry –"

"End of discussion," he said.

Iris dropped it, watching him carefully as he took a few more bites, all without the aforementioned wince.

"Well," Iris said, "As I was saying, is this still about the medical stuff?"

"It's always about the medical stuff." If Iris didn't know better she'd swear she could detect a bitter note in his voice.

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

"You were there."

"It's over. It's done. You're OK."

"I know," he said.

"Then why are you still upset?"

Barry was getting agitated, Iris could tell. "You know why."

"Do you want to go back to your apartment?"

"I don't need to go back home, Iris, I'm fine."

She gave him a look.

"Relatively."

"Do you have to do anything else?"

"No. Not right now anyway."

Barry, taking a bite of a muffin, suddenly winced and stopped.

"Are you OK?" Iris asked.

"Yeah," Barry said, shaking his head, "Yeah, it's fine."

He kept going, but on taking another bite, the same thing happened. After that, Barry put the muffin down, but Iris didn't miss the slight shake in his hands before he hid them under the table.

"Barry, what's wrong?" she asked.

"Nothing," he said, "My tooth, it's fine. Are you meeting Eddie for dinner tonight or are you free? I was thinking maybe we could –"

"Barry," Iris said slowly. "You know, the last time I went with you to the dentist was three years ago. Now, the last time I went to the doctors with you was two years ago, and apparently that's the last time you went too. Please tell me the last time –"

"I went to the dentist, Iris, it's fine." He looked down as soon as he said it.

"Barry."

"I did. I just might not have you know actually gone into the actual office."

"Oh my God, Barry –"

"It's just teeth – it's fine. I just need a little ice and I'll –"

Iris already had her phone out. "Yeah, Eddie can you call your brother – yes the dental surgeon," she looked at Barry. "Barry needs an appointment ASAP. Just, please, yeah and tell him Barry's not great with dentists. Love you too babe, bye."

"I have a dentist!" Barry yelled.

"Yeah, and Eddie's brother can get you an appointment today."

"Iris –"

"I know, you don't like sudden things – but I have all day off and I know you do too, so let's go."

"I'm not going," he said, "This isn't a life or death thing – you can't guilt me on this one – it's just a tooth."

Iris gave him the look.

"I'm not going," he said.

Twenty minutes later Barry was in a taxi on his way to a dentist office across town. Granted, he had his best I-am-extremely-pissed-and-also-you-owe-me-like-five-gallons-of-ice-cream-after-this-is-done face along with his arms crossed and his face set to a scowl, but he was in the taxi.

Iris had her hand on his arm, speaking encouragingly.

"I know this was a bit sooner than you wanted – I was hoping for a couple hours to relax first, but Eddie said there was an opening now and it's the only one in the day, and that's with pulling a few strings."

Barry was silent.

"He said he's having the best hygienist work with you. It's probably a cavity."

Silence.

"Barry, you're a grown adult and a super intelligent forensic scientist, stop glowering like you're five."

"I'm not glowering, I'm just not speaking with you," Barry said.

"That is not helping your case," Iris deadpanned.

They arrived shortly, and after a brief period in the waiting room were let in. When Barry got up to go inside Iris stood up too and he glared at her.

"Oh I am not waiting out here," she said, "You'd probably climb out the bathroom window."

He scowled some more and they were led in to the room where Barry sat down on the chair and Iris on another seat nearby. Not out the window. He would just run and magically appear back at his apartment. Where it was nice. And didn't smell like rubbing alcohol. Not to mention he was locking the door and Iris wasn't coming in, the door be damned, she could knock it down if she wanted to.

The hygienist came in and after the formalities she had Barry's mouth open and was poking and prodding it with that stupid pointy torture device. She was in the middle of examining the tooth that was troubling Barry when she hit a sensitive spot, and a stab of pain ran straight from the tooth deep into his jaw.

Barry almost jumped up then and afterwards his hands shook like he was in a vibrating chair but the hygienist was good and was much more carful around that tooth afterwards. Barry didn't feel any more pain, besides the slight discomfort of the metal think poking at his tooth. He was dizzy when she was done, gripping the edges of the chair because Iris was too far away and he was _not_ asking to hold her hand like a two year old.

"Alright, you have a fair sized cavity in there but everything looks OK. You'll need to come back to get that fixed, and another time to get a regular cleaning done. And you need to floss more."

Barry stopped paying attention after that. Two visits. Not one. And he did have a cavity, a bad cavity, one that would require Novocain and drilling and bright lights and him having to lay still for an extended period of time. Iris made him the appointments, the cavity in another week and the cleaning a week after that. They were in the car and pulling up on his street before he realized Iris was driving to his apartment. They were inside before he spoke at all. Two visits. One cavity. Drilling. Novocain. His teeth didn't heal. Oh God, but the Novocain – the Novocain wouldn't work, he realized suddenly.

He broke out into a sweat. Caitlin, for all her skills, was not a dentist. He was going to have to go get a cavity filled and they would give him Novocain and he would feel everything. They couldn't even put him out, sedate him – laughing gas wouldn't work. He'd always had laughing gas when he had to get stuff done – it relaxed him just enough for him to let them do the work. He couldn't use it anymore – couldn't use anything. They were going to drill into his teeth and he was going to feel every little bit of it.

"Iris I have to go," Barry said, suddenly turning just as they were at the door of his apartment.

"What – why, you said –"

"I forgot," he said, "I'm late."

"Alright, where do you need to go, I'll drive you."

"No, it's fine, I'll see you later," he said, "I just need to grab something from inside."

"Barry, what's going on," Iris asked.

"Nothing, I'm late," he said, wiping his hands off on his pants as his palms kept sweating. Novocain. Drilling. He'd feel every single bit of it.

"Barry –"

"I'll see you later," he said. And he shut the door, going inside his apartment. Iris banged on the door but there was no answer. By the time she turned around to go back to her car Barry was halfway down the fire escape and about three seconds later he was in Star Labs.

"Whoa," Cisco said as he appeared out of nowhere.

Caitlin looked up as well, startled.

"I have a cavity," Barry said.

Cisco looked at Caitlin.

"Umm, OK."

Barry disappeared again, and two seconds later he was back with a pair of pliers in his hand next to Caitlin, grabbing her arm and pulling her over to the hospital bed.

"I need you to pull it out," he said.

"What?" Caitlin looked at Cisco but he was just as confused as she was.

Barry laid back on the bed and pushed the pliers into her hands. "It's the second to last molar on the right." He pushed his head back on the bed and squeezed his eyes shut. "Just pull it out quick." He opened his mouth wide.

Caitlin and Cisco looked at each other as Caitlin held the pair of pliers.

"Come on," Barry said, "I can take it, just – just do it quick." He clenched his hands together. When after a few more seconds nothing happened Barry opened his eyes, desperation setting in. "What are you waiting for? Come on," he said, "Come on." He braced himself again. "Damnit, just do it," he shouted finally, his face breaking.

Caitlin finally snapped out of her reverie. "Barry," she said, "I am _not_ pulling out your tooth."

Tears were pricking the corners of his eyes. "You have to," he said, "I have a cavity and I can't – I can't have Novocain and they have to drill it – you have to pull it out. Come on, I can't do it myself."

She looked down at the pair of pliers. "And your solution to being unable to have it drilled is to pull the whole thing out – Barry you won't have any teeth left if you keep pulling out any of them that have any problems."

"Well what do I do?" Barry shouted, suddenly getting up. He was pacing around, eyes snapping all over the place. "I can't – I'm _not_ letting them drill into my – I'm not having them fill it."

"Barry, calm down," Caitlin said.

"I can't!" he shouted, "I can't calm down they're going to drill into my tooth and I can't get nitrous oxide and I'm going to feel every damn little bit of it, Caitlin, I'm going to feel the whole thing –"

Barry's voice cracked and he cut off, shuddering. He turned quickly, away from them, swiping at his eyes with the back of his wrist.

"Hey, Barry, we'll figure something out," Cisco said.

Barry trembled, his back to them.

"Yeah, just, hang on a second, relax. We'll figure it out."

"I have to go," he said.

And then he was gone, leaving Cisco and Caitlin staring at the space where he had been.

**OK i think i have decided that i will be incorporating a self harm bit so there will be a warning for that appearing on the next chapter - PLEASE DON'T READ IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY THAT - i will put all warnings at the beginnings of chapters so you guys are aware - besides that please review! And don't worry there's going to be some major comfort coming up :) Let me know ideas comments and suggestions please!**


	8. Chapter 8

**TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM Mentions of past self-harm and mildly graphic depiction. PLEASE DON'T READ IF THIS TRIGGERS YOU. If you missed my last little spiel I will be putting warnings at the beginning of every chapter from now on. **

Barry couldn't breathe.

His whole body was shaking and his chest tightened, his throat closing up and his breaths coming in shuddering gasps. He couldn't think, couldn't breathe, couldn't get anything straight. All he knew was the panic was eating him alive, wrapping around his neck like a rope, and he was not going to get that cavity filled, he was not going. They'd have to tie him up and hold him there, and that was if they could catch him first. They would not catch him.

Needles seemed to dance in front of his eyes. Barry fumbled with his key until he managed to get it in the lock, and then he burst into his apartment, shutting it quickly behind him. He tripped over a pair of sneakers on his way in, and then he was in his bedroom. He was there before he realized he had used his speed. He gripped his head with his hands, fingers going through his hair.

"Get a grip," he thought to himself, but it didn't stop the barrage of images. Needles, restraints – oh he could just see himself, held down to a dentist's chair, screaming while they drilled into his skull – they'd done it before, it wasn't really that far off. Not again.

They'll figure it out, he thought, they'll figure it out, but the words weren't helping. Barry paced his room. He tried to slow his breathing. He was getting dizzy, his vision already tunneled in and adrenaline spinning in his blood. He couldn't calm down.

He burst into the bathroom, throwing the cold water on in the sink. He dipped his wrists under the stream, and then splashed some on his face. It wasn't helping. He had to grab onto the edges of the sink. He was going to throw up. He was going to die. They were going to drill into his skull, drill straight through his teeth and stick him up like a pincushion, pumping drugs into him that wouldn't do a damn thing.

Barry screamed, a sound that came out through his teeth and broke in a sob at the end. He splashed more water on his face, furious and terrified, tears leaking from his eyes, one, then two, then the whole barrage and he couldn't stop. He couldn't breathe and he couldn't stop crying and he couldn't think and he needed it to stop – he needed it to stop right now – the panic crawled under his skin, stuck him just like the needles, all over, filling every crevice of his mind – he couldn't get away, he couldn't make it stop.

His hands trembled in front of him, shaking up and down, then vibrating, and back again. He banged one down on the counter, fingers scrambling. His heart felt like a jackhammer. It was going to explode.

He wasn't thinking. He didn't remember opening up the cabinet. All he knew was his fingers were on the shelves and they were shaking so bad, so bad. He knocked over a bottle of shaving cream and his tooth brush. They clattered against the sink. He didn't hear it. His hand was on the razor. He was taking it apart. It took him three tries before he was able to grab the razor blade between his forefinger and thumb, and even then he was still trembling. He couldn't think, couldn't breathe. He needed it to stop, anything for it to stop, anything to make the panic ebb, anything to make it stop.

And it happened so fast. His fingers on the cabinet shelves, the razor blade in his hand, and then there was blood on his wrist, bright red blood with the blade in his hand and suddenly, miraculously, he could breathe.

Everything went quiet and Barry became acutely aware of the sound of his breaths, in and out and slowing down, mercifully slowing down.

He sank to the ground. Barry stared at his wrist. There was only one cut, not deep, blood just beading up on the edges. He took the blade, and carefully, much slower, drew another line. He breathed in deeply. It barely hurt at all, and the pain was a tiny burn that was followed by a rush of calm that swept over his body in waves. His hands stilled. He made another cut. Then another.

By the time he made the last cut, the first one was already gone. They faded so fast. He put the razor down. It clicked against the tile floor. Barry leaned his head back and closed his eyes, exhaling.

And then came the wash of guilt.

Oh, God, not again, not again. Barry squeezed his eyes shut. He didn't seriously do that, did he? He opened his eyes. Yep, the blade was still on the ground. And yep those were cuts on his wrist, the ones healing right now. Yep, he really did do that. Not a dream. Not a panic-induced hallucination. Real cuts. Real skin. Real razor blade. Oh, he was so screwed.

He had been fourteen. He was angry. It was a glass. He banged it a bit too hard on the counter, and next thing he knew there were shards in his hand, but instead of miserable pain there had come a brief calm that seemed to ripple through him. Cue experimentation, and soon afterwards he was hiding razor blades in his bedroom. Needless to say, Joe found out, and after some shouting matches, a new therapist, and several months of vain attempts to hide cuts and blades, Barry had managed to quit.

Now he was staring at his wrist, the blood already disappearing, not entirely believing himself that this had really happened. He started to tremble all over again, but this time he was up in a second. He put the razor blade back, cleaned up all evidence of blood, and shut the door, sitting down on the couch and staring at his own skin.

I mean sure, he had relapsed before, but – oh, God, when was the last time? Barry had to think for a second – sixteen? Seventeen? He didn't remember. Did that stint freshman year in college count? It had been years – _years_.

"It's fine," he told himself. He was fine. It was already gone. It was like it never happened. Never happened. There would be no scars, no marks. It was fine.

Except he already wanted it back.

No, he didn't. He was fine. It didn't even happen. He looked down at his wrist. The marks were already gone.

God, that was fast.

He forced down the stab of disappointment at that.

"Never happened," he said to himself. He turned the TV on.

**So in case you're wondering I decided to incorporate the self-harm element for a couple of reasons. A) I think it can fit really well with the storyline, b) I had a bunch of ideas for it, and c) I think it's pretty probably that Barry would encounter some serious issues after, you know, his mother being murdered and all, not to mention his dad going to jail. There will be more on what happened when he was fourteen later, when he first cut himself, but I wanted to do a little explanation of it in this chapter. Should have more up soon. Tell me what you think!**

**Oh and I know, I lied, no comfort in this chapter – next one I promise!**


	9. Chapter 9

**TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM Mentions of past self-harm and mildly graphic depiction. PLEASE DON'T READ IF THIS TRIGGERS YOU. **

"I've taken care of it," Caitlin said.

"And how exactly have you done that?" Barry asked wearily, leaning back on the edge of the counter.

She just smiled. "Don't worry. Just go to your appointment. I have it all set up – you won't feel anything, I promise."

"That's still not very reassuring," Barry said, twisting the edge of his jacket between his fingers.

"Caitlin's playing nurse," Cisco said, walking by.

Barry shot her a look. She rolled her eyes. "Just show up at the appointment."

"OK," Barry said. His stomach still turned at the thought of the dentist appointment.

"It'll be fine," Caitlin said, her hand going down on his arm. She smiled at him. "I promise.

_They've said that before, _Barry thought. He tried to smile back.

"Think you're up for one more blood test?" Caitlin asked.

Barry groaned. "Why do you need so much blood? One of you a vampire meta and didn't tell me?"

"It's for research," Caitlin said, "And it would really help. I don't need it right now if you're not ready."

Barry's stomach clenched again. Oh, there we go. She didn't need it, she just, you know, needed it to possibly cure mankind of diseases. Cell regeneration. And he knew she didn't mean it, but there was the guilt. He could help so many people. And he would avoid helping them because of his stupid, selfish, childish fear.

"No, it's fine," Barry said.

Caitlin looked over at Cisco. Apparently they were surprised by this.

"OK, well, come sit down," she said.

Barry wrung out his hands. Breathe. Just breathe. Easy. He could do this. It was just a little blood.

She brought the needle over and Barry sucked in a breath.

"You ready, Barry?"

He nodded, his eyes closed. _It's to save lives,_ he thought. She wiped the antiseptic on his arm and he almost jumped. _Savelivessavelivessavelivessavelives._

She took his arm.

"Wait," he said.

Caitlin froze. Barry took a few deep breaths. Saving lives. Saving lives.

She put her hand on his arm. "It's OK, Barry."

"I know," he said. He squeezed his eyes shut. _Iknowiknowiknowiknowiknow._

"Barry, look at me," Caitlin said.

Barry looked over. He started tapping his foot eccentrically.

"It's alright," she said, "It's just me. One pinch, then it'll be done – I promise."

Promises. Barry nodded.

"Are you ready?"

Barry nodded.

She slid the needle into his skin. Barry tensed, freezing. Oh, God, he was going to throw up. It was inside him, the needle, oh God. He started getting dizzy.

"Doing great, Barry," Caitlin said.

Barry stared straight ahead.

"OK, almost – there – done," she said.

Barry couldn't think, let alone move. He just sat there while Caitlin dabbed something on his arm, and then she was in front of him, and he couldn't move.

"Barry?"

"Mmm?"

"You OK?"

His mouth wouldn't work. "Yeah."

"You did really good."

Barry nodded.

He stood up shakily. Caitlin hovered around him but he didn't say anything. He felt like he was going to be sick. It was over, it was done, but he couldn't get the feeling of the needle sliding into his arm out of his head, couldn't get the panic to get out of his blood.

Eventually he had to leave for work. He was late. He was always late, but today he didn't even notice it, didn't even register it when the captain commented to him on his way up to the lab. He sat in the chair and stared at case files, but he couldn't focus. He couldn't make his mind work. There was a stack that needed to be finished by the end of the day and Barry couldn't get his brain to process two sentences, never mind speed read through them all.

And it was so simple really. It was lying on his desk, not six inches from his hand, and after all it didn't really matter, did it. It was in his hands before he knew what he was doing and the screw was tiny, easy to push out of place. A pencil sharpener. They used to be his favorite – easiest thing to get his hands on once Joe started watching his razors. You take one little screw out then the blade falls right into your hands.

Just a few cuts, that's all it would take. Just enough to think straight.

_I shouldn't do this, _Barry thought, but somehow the blade was in his hands anyway. _I can't keep doing this._ A million excuses raced through his brain. It's just to focus. He healed so fast now anyway. It barely bled. They were just cuts. But mostly he just wanted the calm, that shivering, rolling, wonderful calm. It was like sinking into water, like opening his mouth to breathe.

The blade dragged across his skin. Blood beaded up. It barely hurt, barely even stung.

Barry took a deep breath, and somehow this one seemed to actually get oxygen into his lungs.

The door banged open.

Barry jumped, grabbing up the disassembled pencil sharpener and throwing it into a drawer. He shoved it closed behind him, spinning.

It was Eddie.

And his mouth was open, one hand still on the door knob.

"Hey, Eddie, what'cha doing – did you uh – did you need anything?" Barry asked. His heart was hammering in his chest. He pushed his hands behind his back but he was wearing short sleeves.

"Barry," Eddie said, walking slowly over to him, "What's behind you?"

"Nothing," Barry said, "Absolutely nothing. My desk. Just my desk, and my hands."

"What's in your hands?"

"Nothing," Barry said again, but this time it was true.

Eddie walked closer. "What's on your hands?"

Barry's body went cold.

"N-nothing."

"Barry."

"Nothing."

"Show me your arms."

"It's nothing – really," Barry said.

"Barry," Eddie said. His voice was way too calm. "Show me your arms."

"It's not –"

"What it looks like?"

Barry licked his lips. He tried to smile. "Eddie –"

"Barry, show me –"

Barry pushed his arms out in front of him, the cuts lining the inside of his left wrist.

Eddie didn't say anything.

And then Barry just had to open his mouth. "It's OK, really," he said, "They're not as bad as they look – and – and it's OK, I have everything totally, completely under control – it's just a little – a bad habit, and I'm – it's OK. I'm OK. I'm perfectly OK, just a little – I just screwed up this once, really – and they're not – you know, it's not dangerous. They're too small. It's too small – I mean, it's not even an it, it's just, this once, you know – but it's OK, I'm –"

"Does Iris know?"

Barry clenched his teeth.

Eddie stared at him. "Does Joe know?"

Eddie turned around.

"Wait, Eddie, Eddie, wait," Barry said, running around to intercept him, "You can't tell them," he said. "Please, you can't – they – it's OK. It's under control."

Eddie looked at him, and then grabbed his arm, jerking it up. "That," he said, "Is not under control. That is bad. That is not OK, and you –" he stopped, shaking his head and finally throwing up his hands. "How am I supposed to keep this a secret from them? From Iris? From Joe?"

Barry closed his eyes. He didn't want to do this. He really, really did not want to do this.

Eddie moved to go around him.

"They already know," he burst out, "I did it when I was a kid – I stopped, but I… started… again."

Eddie halted. "So you quit, before?"

"Yeah."

Eddie paused. He shook his head, and finally wiped a hand down his face.

"I'll get a first aid kit – they we'll talk."

THIS IS A LINE BREAK BECAUSE APPARENTLY MINE AREN'T WORKING YAYYYY

"Fourteen?"

"Yeah."

Eddie groaned.

"Alright, give me the blade."

"What?"

"You heard me, give me the blade."

"But it's – it's my pencil sharpener."

"Use the electric one."

"I don't like the –"

"Barry, I had an alcoholic for an uncle – I know how these things work, now give me the blade."

Barry took out the piece. He handed it over slowly.

"You know I could get another one."

"I know."

"I've got razors at home."

"You should get rid of them."

"I have to shave."

"Shave at Joe's house."

"I am not going to go to Joe's house to shave just because –"

"Because you cut yourself with your razors?" Eddie asked, crossing his arms.

"I don't – just once. It's not a big deal."

"Really?"

"Yes." Barry touched his arm through the jacket he had put on. Eddie had carefully helped him wrap up the cuts but they had already healed.

"You gonna tell Joe or am I telling Joe?"

"He really doesn't need to know," Barry said, his stomach flipping. It was the same stupid feeling he got when he was fourteen and Joe was staring him down. _Let me see your wrists, Barry._

"I can't keep this from my partn-"

"You kept you and Iris from him," Barry shot back.

Eddie closed his mouth. "OK, yes, we did, but that wasn't dangero-"

"It's not dangerous," Barry said, "I've never done it – it's never been bad enough to be dangerous."

"You know what I mean, it's not – it's not healthy, Barry."

"I'll stop."

"Will you?"

"Yes."  
>"I don't believe you."<p>

"Why? I've done it before."

"Then why'd you start again?"

"Just, stress, stuff."

"The hospital stuff?"

"She said she wouldn't tell you."

"Barry after that time you weaseled your way out of the blood drive it really wasn't that hard to figure out."

Barry clenched his teeth. He _thought_ he had been pretty smooth about that. Apparently his excuses hadn't been as well thought out as he thought they were. What had he said? Something about a train stuck at a station and having to go pick up a friend – and no there were definitely no cabs to pick him up, and no Barry didn't have a car, but – ok so it wasn't that great of an excuse.

"Look, Barry, I really think you should –"

Eddie cut off as Joe pushed open the door, walking into the room. He looked from Eddie to Barry, both sitting across from each other and squinted his eyes, his brow furrowing.

"Am I interrupting something?"

"No," Eddie, said, standing up, "Actually, we were just –"

"Wondering if you wanted to get pizza," Barry cut in.

Joe gave him a funny look and then Eddie gave him a pointed look and Barry rubbed his hands together and forced a smile.

"No? Well, I'm starved, and it's my break, so if you don't mind, I'm just going to go down –"

Barry slipped around Joe, nearly racing down the stairs.

ANNOYING LINE BREAK AGAIN YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Barry opened the door.

"Hey, you'll never believe what I just found out today," he said, grinning and about to go into another tangent.

"Barry, is there something you want to tell me?" Iris stood in front of him, her arms crossed. One look at her and the smile fell right off Barry's face. For one, they were supposed to be attending a lecture tonight, something he had dragged her into with the promise of dinner afterwards while Eddie had work, but she wasn't dressed for a lecture. And she did not look happy. And about two seconds later a crumbling feeling filled his gut.

"Um," he said.

She walked by him and into the apartment. She spread her hands out on the table, leaning forward.

"How many?"

"Iris –"

"How many times?"

"Iris, it's not –"

"Did you clean them? All of them?"

"I-"

"Would you like to explain to me what could possibly possess you to do this, _again_, that you couldn't give me, or my Dad, or _anyone_ a call first? Or at least let us know –"

"Will you stop talking to me like I'm on trial!" Barry burst. He turned around, running a hand through his hair.

"I thought you were done with this."

"I am. I screwed up."

"Did you do it more than once?"

Barry didn't answer.

"Then it's more than screwing up."

"I wasn't thinking."

"You're always thinking, Barry."

"I wasn't thinking _well_." Barry looked at the table. He couldn't look at her, not while she was this angry, this angry for something he had done that he shouldn't have. It was always Joe that yelled; Iris was always the one that helped him clean up the mess and talked with him afterwards.

"Damn right."

"Look, I get it, I screwed up, OK?" Barry said, throwing up his hands. "I'm a self-destructive loser who can't get through a freaking blood test without wanting to scream like a two year old – and now I want to rip my arms to shit, and you know what? It's all my fault, Iris. It's all my fault because I should have known better, and I did it anyway!"

Barry was out of breath, his chest heaving and his face flushed. Iris stared across at him. Her shoulders slumped.

"You know," she said in a much quieter voice, "I was never really good at the whole angry thing."

Barry let out a long breath. "It's OK," he said after a moment, "I was never really good at the whole listening thing."

"You want to tell me what happened?"

"Not really."

"You want to tell me why you're upset?"

"It was, ah, the dentist. Kind of."

She sighed. "It's just a cavity, Barry."

"I know."

They moved to the couch and sat down. Barry looked up at her hesitantly.

"You're not going to tell Joe, are you?"

"Oh, he already knows," Iris said, "Pencil sharpener, in the trash can, you know, disassembled and all. You may have wanted to at least throw some paper on top of it or something."

Barry wiped a hand over his face. "That was Eddie. Who apparently," he added, "can't keep a secret."

Iris gave him a look. "You really thought he was just going to sit there and not say anything to me?"

"Well, I was _hoping_."

Iris laughed, but then her eyes got serious again.

"Barry," she said, "I promise, I won't go all parent on you again, but I want you to be honest." She paused. "Are you going to do it again?"

Barry's mouth went dry. "No."

"Because," she said, "You didn't call me, afterwards. And the only times you ever didn't talk to me afterwards," she took in a breath, "was when you were going to cut again."

Barry fiddled with his fingers. "It was just so long this time –"

"I know," Iris said, "And you need to do that again."

"I know," Barry said, looking at the coffee table.

"Barry," Iris said.

Barry fumbled with his hands some more. He could feel her eyes on him, calm and steady.

"I know I should," he said, "I know every single reason why I should – it's just… I… don't… want to." He closed his eyes.

"I know," she said, "But you have to stop. Last time, right, Barry?"

"Last time," he said, but his chest tightened.

"You call me," she said, "If you're going to cut – no matter what time."

He nodded, and she hugged him.

"It's going to be alright," she said.

Barry just nodded, but his skin was already crawling again.

**Review and let me know what you think! More soon – probably something with Caitlin and Barry plus the dentist trip. Upcoming mental breakdown followed by comfort. Will post soon!**


	10. Chapter 10

**TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of past self harm**

'Barry stared at Iris, pleading.

"No." She didn't even turn her head.

"I didn't even say anything!"

"You're looking at me."

"Oh, so now –"

"You know what I mean. Now stop it. You're going to the dentist."

Barry slumped down in the seat of the car, decidedly frowning. He stared out the window instead, willing someone to rear end them and cause them to be late. He stared at the traffic light ahead of them. Maybe if he concentrated _really_ hard it would turn red.

"It's going to be fine, Barry," Iris said.

Barry didn't respond, just slumped lower and crossed his arms across his chest as the light stayed green.

"It'll hurt," he mumbled.

"It'll only hurt when they give you the Novocain," Iris said, "Then you won't feel anything."

_That's what you think, _Barry thought. He pulled his arms in tighter.

"Did you sleep at all last night?" Iris asked, flashing a glimpse at him. He didn't look particularly good, even for a dentist day.

Barry shrugged. He might have spent most of the night looking up accounts of dental procedures done without anesthetics…

"Well, you can sleep once it's done."

If he wasn't in a cacophony of pain by that time.

Iris gave him a light shove, "Come on, Barry, cheer up."

Barry glowered more.

"Alright, have it your way," Iris said, "You want to tell me what you're so worried about?"

"You know."

"But sometimes it helps to actually talk about it, instead of, oh, I don't know brooding about it in the corner of the car."

Barry shot her a glare. He could pull off a pretty menacing face when he really wanted to.

"I don't want to talk about it." _I can't talk about it. _"I want to go home." _Not where they'll drill into my skull. _"It's just a stupid tooth ache." _And Caitlin so could have just pulled the damn thing out._

"And it'll just be a stupid filling," Iris said soothingly.

Barry went back to brooding.

When they arrived Iris got out of the car and Barry considered refusing to leave it. He played with the window, moving it up and down and up and down, until Iris stood right at it, staring at him.

He had to force himself out of the vehicle, his feet shuffling impossibly slowly. At that moment he'd do anything to be able to slow down time instead of race through it.

Barry walked up to the receptionist in the waiting room. He thought about giving a fake name, opened up his mouth with half the resolve to do it, when Iris interrupted from behind him.

"Barry Allen."

Barry shut his mouth. The nurse checked him off and told him it would be just a few minutes.

They sat down, side by side, in a couple of chairs. Barry couldn't stop tapping his foot. The panic was starting to set in. He looked nervously at the clock, then around the room. Just the smell of the place made him feel sick.

Iris put her hand over his, rubbing circles with her thumb, not saying anything.

Barry looked over at her. Iris nearly broke when she saw his face, how scared he was.

"You'll still come in with me right?" he asked, "I know I'm too old and it's an actual procedure this time, but –"

"Of course, Barry," she said, "Just relax."

He shuddered. Relax. If only.

When they called his name a spike of panic shot up his spine and he actually turned to go back out the door. He didn't think it would affect him this much, but all the old fears came flooding back and then he was done, just done, he had to leave.

But Iris quickly grabbed his arm and spun him around, walking him to the door and through and into the hallway. Barry walked numbly, his stomach clenching, almost pulling away from Iris but not quite, just offering a slight resistance that he couldn't push down. When they told him to sit in the chair he almost threw up.

"Alright, Barry," the dentist said to him, reading over his folder, "Just a cavity today – nothing to worry about. However, because of your medical condition, we're going to have a specialized doctor administer the anesthetic."

Barry looked up to see Caitlin walking in, her hair tied up and in a white lab coat, carrying a tray of materials. She smiled at him, putting it down on a counter.

So this was what she had meant.

Had she actually tampered with his medical files to get this done? Then again she was his doctor while he was in a coma, maybe she wrote the medical files.

Barry felt just a fraction better with Caitlin there, knowing at least that she would know all about his cell regeneration and how he burned through medications. Iris was sitting next to him and the dentist started leaning him back, causing Barry to jump.

"Easy there," the dentist said, "Just bringing you back so I can take a look."

Barry tried to focus on taking deep breaths as the chair went on, but when the dentist asked him to open his mouth, his jaw clenched of its own accord.

Iris reached over and had her hand on his arm. "Relax," she said.

Barry opened his mouth, slowly. The dentist prodded and poked at his teeth for a few seconds, then got something and swabbed it on the inside of his mouth. Barry recognized the taste as a topical anesthetic. The numbness that it caused lasted about half a second.

"Alright, now I'm going to let your doctor take care of the anesthetic, but you should be all numbed up on the surface there."

Barry knew the guy was trying to make him feel better but the sudden realization that Caitlin was going to stab him in the mouth with a needle made him clamp his teeth shut again, his fingers gripping the sides of the chair painfully. His breaths started coming in heaves.

"Barry," Caitlin said above him. She had the needle hidden and he leaned his head up until he caught a glimpse of it, then shuddered. "Barry, I need you to open your mouth for me."

Barry shook his head. His fingers tightened on the chair. He had to get out of there.

"Barry," Iris said, one hand entwining with his and the other on his arm, "Do what Caitlin says, it's OK. I'm right here."

Barry gripped back tightly, fighting the tears that once again were coming to the surface with his labored breathing. The dentist was saying something about laughing gas to calm him down but Caitlin shook her head, her attention on Barry.

"It's alright Barry, one pinch then you won't feel a thing, I promise. I'm going to stay the whole time."

It felt like he was stuck by a live wire. He needed to get up off that chair, needed to move and needed to get very, very far away from there.

He shook his head, hyperventilating.

"Come on, Barry, just open your mouth. Then it'll be done," Caitlin said.

Barry's teeth wouldn't unlatch. They were frozen in place. His whole body was rigid.

Iris ran her hand through his hair, gently pushing his head down, against the chair. "You've done it before, Barry, you can do it again."

Barry kept glancing down, getting glimpses of the needle. Caitlin finally caught him. She put her hand where Iris's had just been, and then smoothed it over Barry's eyes.

"Shhh," she said. She tapped his jaw and he slowly parted his lips enough to show a sliver of teeth.

"That's it," she said gently. He shuddered as he slowly opened his mouth, Caitlin ushering him along. She exchanged a look with Iris and moved her hand away just as Iris moved to block the space instead. Caitlin kept one gloved finger on the edge of Barry's mouth, keeping him from impulsively closing it, and picked up the shot.

Barry was still trembling, Iris whispering soothing words next to him.

"Take a nice, slow, deep breath for me, Barry," Caitlin said, "I'm going to count to three, OK, Barry? One… two… three." She injected the anesthetic into his gums. Barry let out a short cry then the trembling started up again, his whole body shaking but Caitlin already had the shot out of his mouth and was telling him how it was done. It _hurt_. Barry had clamped his teeth together now while Caitlin gestured to the dentist.

"Breathe, the hard parts done," Caitlin said, "But you have to let the dentist work, OK, Barry? The anesthetic won't last forever."

Barry opened his mouth then, because he remembered how quickly it wore off, if it was the same one they'd used before. The dentist started working right away.

Barry kept his eyes squeezed shut, his grip painfully tight on Iris's hand and his body rigid.

"If at any time you start feeling pain," Caitlin said, "Just raise your arm."

"I'll stop right away," the dentist said.

The minutes dragged on and felt like an eternity for Barry. He didn't feel pain, but he could still feel the pressure of the drill on his tooth, and every once in a while they scraped his gums. It didn't exactly hurt, but it made him jump.

Barry didn't know how much longer it was when he felt the first twinge of pain. He told himself he was imagining it. Then there was a definitely _not_ imagined twinge of pain.

He froze though. He didn't want another shot. He screwed his eyes shut tighter and worked to suppress any noises of pain.

He didn't last long before Caitlin noticed his half-suppressed winces.

"Wait," she said to the dentist. He stopped immediately, and Caitlin leaned closer to Barry.

"Barry, are you in any pain?"

Barry shook his head, but he wouldn't open his eyes, and he was so damn thankful those instruments were out of his mouth.

He guessed Caitlin accepted the answer because he felt the metal in his mouth again, followed by a stab of pain, but then there was quickly a burning numbness.

He opened his eyes to Caitlin pulling back the shot and discarding it. He lifted a hand to his mouth.

"It's OK," Caitlin said, "That should get you through the rest of it."

Barry had his head back down and his mouth open before he could really register that she had tricked him, but god did it feel good not to have his mouth in pain anymore.

When they the dentist finally finished, and started to move the chair back up to a sitting position, a wash of dizziness came over Barry. His vision deteriorated to black dots and he had to lean back against the chair to stop from swaying. It was a couple minutes before he could walk out.

The ride back to his apartment was much quieter than the one from it. Barry didn't say one word. His whole body felt numb, his mind blank. He just stared ahead of him.

Iris glanced at him worriedly every once in a while. She walked with him back to his apartment, and then inside. Barry sat down on the couch. He still didn't say anything.

"Hey," Iris said softly from her seat next to him. She rubbed his knee gently, "What's going on?"

Barry shrugged. He didn't feel anything.

"You OK?"

He slowly shook his head no.

He started shivering then. It was strange, because he didn't feel cold, and it wasn't the anxiety – he didn't feel any anxiety right then – he just started shivering. And then a minute later in hit him, and he was suddenly freezing, teeth chattering, shivering freezing.

Iris got him a blanket and wrapped him with it until he looked like a giant marshmallow. He was still cold so she made him some tea. When that didn't work she rummaged around the entire apartment until she found a heating pad, and placed it against his back.

And that's about when it came crumbling down. Whatever part of Barry's mind had been shielding him from the full brunt of his anxiety had apparently decided it was fine now, and suddenly the whole thing came sweeping back, and Barry couldn't think straight, couldn't shake the feeling of being trapped on that dentist chair with a needle in his mouth – the sounds of the drill the sharp pricks of pain, the feeling of absolute helplessness. He started shaking but he wasn't cold anymore. He pulled the blankets in tighter anyway.

Eventually the shaking stopped, but his head was still spinning.

He couldn't really explain it, and it took him a little while to recognize the feeling for what it was. He just wanted to lock the door and hide in his apartment for the rest of his life – just go to sleep where he could escape. Even the idea of Iris being there wasn't comforting. He needed to be alone, alone so no one could hurt him. He knew Iris was there to help, but somehow she was the one that had made him go, and so she had hurt him, and he just wanted to be alone so nothing like that would ever happen again.

It started to itch under his skin and there was a crawling feeling in his blood. He felt like a little kid, unable to make any decisions for himself. His head felt like it was going to explode, and that feeling of helplessness, of lying on the dentist chair, unable to get away, overwhelmed him. He needed it to stop.

"Barry?" Iris said when he stood up.

"Bathroom," he said, but Iris got up with him.

"Barry," she said. Her tone had changed. "You're not going to do anything stupid, are you?"

Barry hesitated, and there went his shot. She had her hand on his shoulder and then he was shaking, sitting on the couch again.

"Iris –"

"It's OK," she said, rubbing his back, "Talk to me."

"I have to – I need to –"

"No you don't."

"Iris, I can't!"

"Yes you can. Breathe. Talk to me."

"I need to cut."

"No you don't."

"I need… I need the control."

"You've got control right here."

"No I don't," he burst, "I couldn't move and I couldn't leave and I need… I need it to stop I need to cut _right_ now." The words were bubbling up out of nowhere and it _hurt_. His skin was practically screaming. He needed to do it _now_, right now. Not when Iris left, not when he could get away, not tomorrow or next week, _right then_.

"No you don't," she said, "You can talk your way through this. You don't have to hurt yourself to have control."

"Yes I do," he said, and his voice cracked and he put his elbows on his knees, hanging his head and hiding his face as the tears dripped down his nose. This was the one thing he had, the one thing he could do when everything became too much, when he couldn't run and couldn't leave – and now he couldn't do this either.

"Come on," Iris said, pulling him up with her. They were at the kitchen sink before Barry realized they were walking and Iris was positioning Barry's wrists under a stream of cold water. She grabbed a dish rag, soaked it, wrung it out, and then draped it over his neck. Barry's breathing slowed down as the cold water slowed his blood flow and helped to relax him

Iris was still rubbing his back. "Now tell me," she said, "You need ice?"

Barry nodded.

Iris grabbed a handful and placed it on a paper towel on the counter. Barry picked up three and gripped it in his hand.

It was painfully cold, but that was kind of the point. Barry breathed as his hand started to burn, the skin going red with the cold.

Iris watched the clock. When a minute passed she took the ice from Barry's hand, forcing him to let go.

Barry wasn't crying anymore, and it had definitely helped, but there was still a nagging itch under his skin. Oh, God did he want to cut. He was no longer panicking, but the urge was only stronger, a burning that spread across his arms and down his legs.

"I need another minute," Barry said, not meeting Iris's gaze.

She handed him the ice, this time in his other hand.

It wasn't helping anymore. When Barry put the ice down he still wanted to cut just as much as he had before. He shook again, bracing his hands against the countertop and breathing steady, even breaths.

He shook his head. He felt like he was going to explode. "Please," he said, again, not looking up. He didn't want to see that disappointment that he knew all too well. They were going through the old routine – when the urges got too strong first there was ice – just one minute – then another if he needed it – and then, if he had to, there was the rubber band.

He hated the rubber band. It didn't do nearly enough, not nearly as satisfying as a cut, even if it was a shallow one. And he felt so damn guilty afterwards, especially when Iris was there. Iris was always there when he used it. If he was on his own he'd break and just cut already, so it was either Iris or Joe and he hated going to Joe even more than going to Iris.

She opened up the junk drawer in his kitchen and handed it to him. He didn't waste a second, slipping it over his wrist and then snapping it harshly against the tender skin. The sound of the snap always made him wince with a half glace at Iris, but she never flinched, just watched him do it.

He bit his lip. A red welt started forming on his skin. It was gone in another second. His speed healing. He really hated that at the moment. He sucked in a breath and snapped it again. It wasn't enough. He turned away from Iris, his face red, drawing back the rubber band as far as it would go.

_Snap._

He cringed. It was so _loud_.

He was breathing raggedly again. He wanted to take the thing and with his super speed snap it again and again and again until his wrist was puffed up and red speed healing be damned, but he couldn't even bring himself to snap the thing quickly, not with Iris right next to him. Every snap made him feel guilty and embarrassed but he couldn't stop. He just wanted to cut.

He spun around, his jaw strung tight. "I can't do this, Iris," he said.

She took the rubber band from him but spun him around again, forced his wrists under the water.

"Yes you can."

He almost forgot that part of the routine. He'd break down, plead to Iris, and she would have him start the cycle all over again. More water over his wrists. Then the ice. One minute. Two minutes. Then the rubber band. Over and over again, until the urge had passed and he had calmed down enough to go sit down or eat something or watch a movie. But Barry was shaking his head. He had to cut.

"I'll only do one," he said.

Iris handed him some ice.

"Just one."

She curled his fingers over the handful.

"Please, Iris."

But this was part of the routine too. He started making deals. Just one cut, that's all. Or he wouldn't cut for two weeks if he could just make one now. Then he started getting desperate. He'd never cut again if he could just cut this once. He couldn't keep the promises but he'd say anything to get Iris to give in, to give him the OK, just this once.

She never did. And as much as he wanted to, Barry couldn't bring himself to run front her, to go and lock the door and do it anyway. When they were younger and Barry had just started she was still taller than him and had caught him once or twice when he tried. He remembered them well. He didn't run often, not to cut. He could get away with it now, even without his powers, but he wouldn't. Not yet at least.

So he took the ice and he held it. Then held it some more. Then he was back to the rubber band. And he kept going, because that was the routine.

**So I didn't accomplish as much as i wanted to but i guess that'll just be a separate chapter because this one ended up really long! As always, review please! (It might just get you updates faster :)**


	11. Chapter 11

**TRIGGER WARNING: non-graphic self-harm**

So far, Barry had been very successful in avoiding Joe. He came in late and left late and hid in his lab doing reports. When he had to go out into the field he stayed as far away from him as possible, sticking near the captain so he couldn't bring anything up. He was also avoiding Eddie, but to a lesser extent. He was picking the lesser of two evils with Eddie.

But he couldn't avoid Joe forever. Didn't mean he couldn't try. It was the day after the dentist trip that Joe finally came upstairs and trapped him in his lab.

He had his arms crossed. Barry typed on a computer.

"Yeah?" he asked.

Joe came to lean up against the desk in front of him. He stared down at Barry.

"You do it again?"

Barry looked up, then looked down. He kept typing. "No."

"Are you lying?"

"No."

Joe nodded. Barry was telling the truth. Barry _wanted_ to. He still wanted to, but Iris had stayed with him practically until midnight and then called him first thing in the morning and well, she was being so nice, so supportive just like she had always been, and it made him feel sick to his stomach how much he wanted to go behind her back and do it again anyway.

So he hadn't. It was gnawing at his insides like some kind of animal but he hadn't.

"I'm proud of you, Barry."

Barry looked up again, made eye contact for a second, and then went back to typing.

"You should have told me yourself though."

Barry kept typing.

"You can't isolate yourself."

Typing.

"And you can't keep doing it."

Barry finally stopped, leaning against one hand and running the other through his hair, head down.

"I know, Joe."

"Do you?"

Barry got up, grabbing a stack of papers. "I don't want to talk about it," Barry said, "I already got the parental scream fest with Iris, OK?"

Joe paused. "Barry, I'm not mad at you."

"Ahuh." Barry rifled through more papers.

"I care about you."

"I know."

"And this is important."

"I know. I just, I don't want to talk about it."

"You need to talk about it."

Barry let out a long sigh. "If this is another attempt to get me to see a psychiatris-"

"You know, we do have one for the police specifically – I know what you're doing right now can –"

"It's not being the Flash," Barry said, throwing a folder down. "It's all the damn medical stuff." He kicked a box out of his way.

"It comes with the territory, kid."

"I know," Barry groaned, "I'm just having some trouble dealing with it right now."

Joe wrapped an arm around his shoulder. "I know, Barry. Just remember, you've got a lot of people who care about you."

"Did you read that line out of a parenting book?" Barry smiled.

"Hey, I'm trying to be supportive here," Joe said, laughing.

"Thanks, Joe," Barry said.

LINE BREAK THING AGAIN WHOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Barry sat in a chair at Star Labs, facing backwards and leaning his head down on his arms which were propped up by the backrest of the chair. Cisco sat next to him. They both watched intently as Dr. Wells and Caitlin went back and forth about something.

"Do you know what they're talking about?" Barry asked.

"I'm not sure they're even speaking English," Cisco said.

It was something to do with Barry's cellular regeneration in regards to muscle growth but they had gone way past Barry's area of knowledge in the field. They might as well have been speaking gibberish.

"Well," Barry said, "If you guys don't need me for anything, I'm going to head out."

Neither Caitlin nor Wells even looked up as he said it.

"Well, Bye," Cisco said.

Barry laughed. "See ya."

Barry, after running his way downtown, stepped out of an alleyway, going normal speed. He was stopping to get coffee before going back to the office. He stepped into the street, crossing it to Jitters.

Then there was a screech, someone's yell.

The next thing he knew Barry was on the ground.

It was like a kaleidoscope around him, everything coming in fractured bits. There were people around him. He was lying on the ground. His arm was halfway over the sidewalk. He was staring upwards.

Then the noise came. Shouts, lots of them. It hurt his head. That was the only thing that hurt, really. He moved his head. Someone was trying to talk to him but Barry's vision was shooting double, spinning. His face was wet. He looked to his side and vaguely registered that there was blood on the tar, a lot of it. He couldn't feel his left arm at all. That's the one that was twisted over the sidewalk. Everything below his left knee was pins and needles.

And then someone was shouting his name. He looked towards the sound. The person was moving too fast, and then they were right on top of him but it took him a second to recognize the face. It was Iris.

"Barry? Barry, oh my God, Barry, say something."

Barry stared up at her. Say something. He was still trying to process the words when something was pushed against his head.

"Don't move him, his neck could be broken," someone said.

Broken? Barry was struggling to make sense of the words.

"Barry, it's alright, everything's going to be alright."

Barry started to feel cold all over. Someone draped a jacket over him. He tried to move his arm, his right one. His saw his hand move but he didn't feel it. Iris was holding his hand and someone was putting pressure on his head. He was starting to feel his head again. It was starting to hurt a little bit. He wished that fuzzy numbness would come back.

"Iris?" Barry choked out. His tongue seemed slow.

"Yeah, I'm right here, Barry. Stay with me, OK?"

But that was the problem, he was staying with her. Barry shifted a little bit. He still couldn't feel his left arm, and his left leg was still pretty much a mix of numb stinging, but his mind was starting to catch up with the rest of his body.

He was healing, he realized. At first it was a dull ache, and then shooting pains started springing up and down his right leg, along with his back. The throbbing in his head was a constant, and it was only getting worse.

His face screwed up with the pain. He turned, and tried to get a look at his left arm.

"Stay still, Barry, there's an ambulance coming," Iris said, cupping his face in her hand.

Barry got a glimpse of his arm though. What he was made his stomach twist and clench and pins spring through his body. He stilled, and a cold settled over his skin.

"My arm," he said.

"It's OK," Iris said, "You'll be OK."

"I can't feel it."

Iris was wiping away tears, trying to keep her expression calm as Barry stared up at her.

"That's alright, they'll fix you all up," she said.

And that's when "ambulance" finally registered.

"No," he said.

Iris was smoothing down his hair. "Everything will be fine."

"No – no hospital."

"It's OK Barry."

"I can't go," he said, but it was weak. His mind was slippery. He couldn't go to a hospital, but he couldn't exactly remember why. One second it was there – his abilities, then the fear would spike, but it would wash away again as his thoughts slipped, only to go back into the light a moment later. He was mumbling about it.

"Can't go to hospital – can't… sedatives, Caitlin – no hospitals… they said no…" Barry closed his eyes.

"Hey, Barry, stay with me," Iris said, fear carved out with every word.

"Mhh, no hospital," Barry mumbled.

"Barry, hey, come on, open your eyes, Barry, I need you to stay with me."

Barry looked up, but it was so bright. His head started to hurt worse, and then the numbness in his leg started to not be so numb.

He cringed, clenching his teeth. His breathing started coming in shallow, labored breaths.

"Hurts," he got out.

"They're going to be here soon then it won't Barry," she said.

He shook his head. "Sedatives… don't work."

"I'm sure they'll give you something."

"Caitlin."

"I know, Caitlin, your doctor. It's OK, we're going to go to the hospital."

"No," he said, and then he yelled through clenched teeth. He was rapidly becoming more lucid now. And with it the pain was intensifying. "Call… Caitlin."

He started reaching for his phone with his good arm, but Iris stopped him.

"Call," he said. His head was pulsing. He was getting dizzy. Oh, God, this hurt.

"It's OK, Barry."

"Call," he said again, "Anesthetics…"

"I know, Barry, they'll give you –"

"No, _call_," he said. He blinked as a wave of pain rolled down his back. "Call Joe," he said, suddenly, changing tactics. He closed his eyes. Joe. Joe would know what to do.

Then he passed out.

LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEE BREAKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

When he opened his eyes again everything was shaking and he was lying somewhere else. It didn't take him long this time to place it. He was in the ambulance.

He immediately tried to sit up. That was met with a lot of pain, and the paramedics were on him in a second.

"Just lie still sir, we're on our way to the hospital right now. You're friends meeting us there."

But Barry's brain was starting to work again now, and he was shaking his head.

"Not the hospital – you have to take me to Star Labs," he said, reaching for the mask around his face. He tried to pull it off as the paramedics pushed him back down, grabbing his arm so it would stay in place.

"We're already in route sir, they'll be doctors waiting for you."

Barry was shivering, maybe shaking, he couldn't tell. "No, I have to go to Star Labs." Panic was edging up now. Everything around him was moving so fast, the paramedics and the vehicle itself and his eyes were darting around. There was something wrapped to his head and an IV in his arm and monitors and he was trying to sit up again.

"Star Labs isn't a medical facility. We're taking you to the best hospital in –"

"I was in the coma," he said, "I was the guy struck by lightning – they transferred me there – I have to go there."

"We're going to need you to lie down kid," the other paramedic said, gently pushing him back. Barry started to struggle.

"I'm just going to give you a bit more of something to help you calm down," he said.

Barry felt it enter his bloodstream, but it lasted maybe a second before it was gone.

"They don't work on me," Barry nearly screamed, "That's why you have to take me to Star Labs."

"Until a medical professional issues –"

"Just take me to Star Labs, dammnit," Barry yelled.

"Sir –"

Barry was trembling then. His arm was on fire now, his left one. It was healing in the wrong position. Barry's head spun, and then he leaned over and vomited. They'd have to re-break it if it healed wrong. He tore at the IV, trying to get it out. He still couldn't feel his leg though, he realized with a start. Even if he could get up, which was doubtful, he couldn't run.

"Restraints," Barry heard one of the paramedics say.

"No!" he shouted, but it was too late. They had his good arm down and were wrapping the restraint onto it. Barry kicked out, struggling against them.

"Calm down, son, we'll be at the hospital soon."

Barry felt like he was suffocating. He kept pulling with his good arm, fighting the restraint, but he couldn't move. He was crying before he realized he was, and he kept struggling while the paramedics kept giving him more sedative, watching in vain as he kept fighting just as hard. By the time they got there Barry was exhausted, barely moving at all.

LLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNEEEEEE BBBBBBBRRRREEEEEEEAAAAAAKKK

It took Joe about forty five minutes on the phone with various medical and official personnel to finally get clearance for Barry to be transferred, by ambulance, over to Star Labs. In that time Barry came in and out of consciousness twice, passed out from pain and exhaustion. They went to put stitches in on the side of his head, where he had hit the sidewalk, but found that the gash was relatively small, it having healed significantly already. They set his leg, which was broken, but were discussing the possibility of immediate surgery for his arm when Joe finally got clearance.

When Joe arrived at Star Labs Caitlin had Barry on an IV drip, and was pumping as much pain meds into him as she could. The anesthetic wasn't meant for full body use though – just local. It wasn't working as well as would be hoped.

"Arrrghhhh!" Barry screamed, twisting as Caitlin gently touched his arm. Breath rushed into his mouth. Joe could hear him hyperventilating all the way across the room.

"Sorry, sorry," Caitlin said. She made another tiny move and he screamed again.

"Hey, son, how you doing?" Joe said, going right up to Barry.

The look he got back made a knife run through his gut. "Joe – Joe please, make them stop."

Joe tightened his grip on Barry's arm. "It's alright now Barry, they're going to take care of you."

"I want to go home," Barry said. His voice cracked.

"We will, soon, I promise. They've just gotta patch you up first."

Joe stood up and looked to Caitlin and Cisco. "How bad?" he asked, his voice quiet.

"Well, his head's healed fine," Caitlin said, "And they set the bone in his leg, so that's alright, but… well, his arm's already half-healed crooked, and it's dislocated."

"Muscle tears too," Cisco added.

"What does that mean?" Joe asked.

"Means he shouldn't have gotten himself hit by a truck," Cisco mumbled.

"It means," Caitlin said, taking a deep breath, "That I need to manipulate the bone back in place… even if it means I cause some more fractures doing it."

Joe let out a long breath. "That's the best drugs you can give him?"

"It's all we've got," Caitlin said.

"Well," Joe said, "We're going to need to strap him down."

Barry didn't realize what they were doing until he was on the table and Cisco started threading something through a couple of bolts on the sides. That's when he saw Caitlin's face and put the pieces together.

"No," he said. He jumped up immediately, ignoring the pain in his stomach, "no, no, no," he said.

"Barry," Joe said, his hands up, it's alright, you'll start feeling better as soon as we-"

And then to everyone's surprise Barry was upright, dragging his deadweight leg and leaning on desks and countertops, trying to get away.

Joe had him in a bear hug before he could get more than five feet away, holding him tight as Barry screamed and raged. When he was panting again, his body limp, he brought him back to the table. They got his free arm, his torso, and his legs secure.

Barry opened his eyes, staring up at the bright lights. He looked to his side to find Caitlin, gloves on her hands and her fingers above the twisted form of his left arm.

Joe blocked his view in a second, forcing him to look in the other direction.

"Just look at me, Barry," he said.

The pain was startling and all encompassing, ripping through his arm in a serious of explosions. He was out after the second adjustment, a howl dying on his lips. Caitlin finished up and they moved him to a bed, stabilizing his arm to let it heal.

LLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEE

Barry was back to work the next week. He kept a brace on his wrist to keep up appearances, along with a couple of bandages. He didn't talk about it at the lab. He didn't mention anything to Joe. He downright refused to have any conversation whatsoever about it with Iris and at work, well at work he just shrugged off any mention of it at all.

He didn't want to talk about it, he said. He was fine. He didn't want to think about it. It took a few days before it really set in, before the nightmares started, and then the bouts of shaking. After that he just tried to block it from his mind altogether. He didn't cross the road unless he was using his powers and he certainly never turned his back on any side of traffic, even if the light was red.

He lasted a whole week. Then he went back to work, and that's when it all went downhill. He was swamped and he couldn't focus. He wasn't getting any sleep and the coffee he drank just made him jittery. He couldn't focus.

It didn't really matter, they were gone after ten minutes, twenty if he went a little too deep, and it was just so he could get some work done, go out to coffee with Iris, cross a damn street without hyperventilating.

And so what if he drank some Nyquil to sleep, people did it all the time. He was just doing what he had to in order to get by – sucking it up and dealing with it – that's what any mature adult did.

He almost passed out running a test at Star Labs a week and a half after the accident. He had to stop on the treadmill, jumping off and immediately sitting down, his head spinning. His face went grey and Caitlin ran out to meet him.

"Hey, what's going on?" she asked.

"Dizzy," Barry said, gripping his head. It took a few moments to pass.

"You been eating those calorie bars," Cisco asked.

"Yeah, of course," Barry said. Maybe, one the day before, right? Had he eaten one that morning? No, but definitely the day before… Barry couldn't remember.

"You don't look like it," Caitlin said, poking him, "You look skinny – like skinnier than usual."

"What are you talking about?" he said, "I'm fine."

Cisco gave him a calorie bar and he took a bite out of it while he got up. He followed Caitlin to the scale where she pointed.

Barry rolled his eyes and hopped on. The number almost made his jaw drop. He'd lost almost ten pounds.

If Barry was surprised, Caitlin was furious. "Barry!" Caitlin yelled. "This is what happens when you don't eat like you're supposed to!"

"I'm sorry, I didn't even realize," Barry said. He stepped off the scale again.

"I'll grab some more bars," Cisco said, "And this time eat them!" he threw over his shoulder.

Barry nodded. "I thought I was."

He rubbed a hand over his face. He was already exhausted and he had to go to work in –he glanced at his watch – now.

"Anything else?" Barry asked, "I have to go soon."

"Oh, one thing," Caitlin said, running out of the room.

Barry picked up his bag, instantly changing into work clothes. As he did something fell out of the bag.

It was the pencil sharpener. Not the same one as before – that was long gone thanks to Eddie, but a new one he'd bought for fifty cents at a convenience store. He looked around the room once.

_Just one_, he thought.

Within a second there was a line on his wrist, and that calm washed down his skin, pushing away all his anxieties and stress. It pulled on his mind, tugged and begged for one more. He made another. But then there was two, and really, if he had done two what was one more?

Soon there was ten and Barry was making his way to fifteen, drawing line after line, taking deep, even breaths. That was when Caitlin came back.

"Oh my –"

Barry spun around. The pencil sharpener was gone in his bag in a second, his sleeve rolled down.

They just stood there staring at each other, then Caitlin exploded.

"Barry, what was that – actually, no, I know what that was – did you – actually – just – give me your arm!"

"Caitlin it's totally not what it looks like," he said. The image of Eddie flashed in front of his eyes for a second, the last person he had tried to say that too.

"Yeah, OK, anyway, let me see your arm – did you – no, you need a tetanus shot again – actually – sorry, shots – but I mean you need to clean it, just because you heal doesn't mean bacteria can't get trapped inside – actually it probably means you have a greater chance of it getting infect-"

"No, it's OK, really," he said.

And then Caitlin stepped back, her eyes locked on his. "Have you been doing this the whole time? Have you – oh, you heal fast, this could have serious implications and –"

"It doesn't –"

"It doesn't matter," Caitlin said, "You… you…" Her face broke, her head tilting to the side, "You can't do this to yourself Barry."

Barry opened his mouth, closed it, started hyperventilating, and then, in a moment of panic, he ran. He stopped outside the station and took a moment outside, thinking over what had just happened. He was going to regret just running away again later, but right now he was very content with avoiding his problems and just hoping they went away. He sighed, and stepped out onto the sidewalk.

**Review please :) And yes, finally Caitlin and Barry hurt comfort next chapter**


	12. Chapter 12

**TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of self harm**

Barry probably shouldn't have been surprised when Caitlin showed up at his apartment the next day, but when he opened the door, expecting to see Iris, and finding Caitlin in front of him, he was at a loss for words.

"Barry, hi," Caitlin said.

Caitlin smiled at him, and tilted her head down, walking right by him and into the room.

"Um, Caitlin," Barry said, his face flushing, "Right now really isn't a good time."

Caitlin sat down on the couch, opening up the bag she had brought with her.

"Barry, I, umm, I thought about what happened yesterday, and I realize I probably didn't react very well."

"Caitlin, you don't have to –"

"No, no, I thought about it a lot, and I really shouldn't have acted that way – you don't need more people freaking out."

"I don't really want to talk about this, Caitlin," Barry said, almost begging for a way out of this situation. He'd had a lot of awkward conversations about this the first time around, and he really didn't want any more.

"No, it's OK," she said. She pulled something out of her bag. Barry sighed and went to sit down next to her, seeing that she wasn't leaving anytime soon.

"I know this isn't something you want to hear," she said. She took one of his hands in hers. Oh, God, this was like a soap opera. "But I'm here for you. And we're going to find a way to beat this."

"Caitlin, really, I'm fi–"

She plopped a folder down on his lap. "That," she said, "is a printout of information and statistics on self-harm. She presented another folder, "And this has like five hundred things that you can do besides self-harming." She pulled out one more, "And these," she smiled, "Are inspirational quotes and survivor stories."

Barry felt overwhelmed. "Caitlin this…"

"I know," she said, her face scrunching up. "Too geeky? I just want you to have whatever you need. I know most of it probably won't help, but I looked up ideas on what to do to help someone stop, and I just kind of took anything I thought could possibly help."

Barry didn't know what to say.

"Oh," she said, smiling, "I almost forgot." She reached down into the bag and pulled out a small, plastic box and handed it to him. Barry opened up the cover. Inside was a piece of thick construction paper, several different colored sharpies, a CD, two packages of M&M's, a stress ball, and an index card with phone numbers on it. "It's a box for when you want to cut," she said, "I put a bunch of calming music on there, and the M&M's are for when you're sad – and I know you have our phone numbers – but I put them on there anyway to remind you to call when you're upset. I figured you could write down your top ten things to do instead on the paper, and you can put in whatever else you want in the box too. Maybe you're favorite movie?"

"Caitlin…" Barry said, "You really didn't have to do all this."

"I know," she said, "But… Barry I just want you to be safe. And happy."

"I don't cut deep enough for it to be dangerous," Barry said.

"That's not what I meant."

Barry looked down. He flipped the index card over. On it were Cisco, Caitlin, Iris, and Joe's numbers.

"Thanks, Caitlin," he said softly.

She smiled and reached over. She hugged him, a quick, short hug, and then leaned back. "You don't have to thank me," she said, "Just… be safe. Healthy. I want to help you, Barry."

Barry nodded. He twisted his fingers together. _What if I don't want help._

His stomach was churning. It was happening all over again. That iron resolve that he had built years trying to make stable had all come crumbling down in a matter of two weeks, and now he was constantly battling with himself. He knew he should stop, he knew every reason, every single possible reason why he should stop. But he didn't want to. He didn't think he could. And there was a creeping fear going up his spine, whispering in the very corner of his brain _maybe you never could stop. Maybe you've been fooling yourself this whole time._

"Caitlin," Barry said. He had to take a deep breath. "This isn't the first time I've done it."

"Well, I mean, I figured that, Barry," she said.

He shook his head, hanging his head down. "No, I mean, I used to do it… when I was younger, and then I stopped, but I… started again."

And then he went into the explanation, the fourteen year old Barry and the grief mixed with fear and pain and how somehow it had all manifested in that stupid glass bottle and the stupid cut on his hand. Even as much as he wished he'd never broken that glass that led to the first time he cut, he didn't really think it would change anything. He would have ended up doing the same thing or something worse. Something had to give. If it wasn't cutting it would have been his grades or alcohol or drugs or something.

"Well," she said, "That's good. You stopped before, you can do it again."

Barry nodded.

_I have to stop, _he thought. He closed his eyes. He pushed all the thought of continuing out of his mind, crushing it down with that one phrase, _I have to stop._

He sat down with Caitlin and wrote out his "top ten things" to do instead of cutting. They talked about his medical phobia and he told her a couple of stories he'd never told anyone except for Iris and Joe. At first his voice was tight and his chest felt constricted, but as he kept talking, and Caitlin just listened – she was a good listener – he started to relax. And for once, it was nice to talk about it, to let it out instead of letting it just scream in his head, going around and around.

"You should call Iris," Caitlin said when he was finished.

Barry looked away. He touched his wrist almost subconsciously. "I can't," he said, "she'll be so disappointed. And she'll be mad."

"She won't be mad."

Barry groaned. "She'll be mad I didn't talk to her – and she'll be upset. And I'll feel like crap."

"You should call her," Caitlin said.

0

0

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0

0

Ultimately, Barry took the easy way out. He was _going_ to call her, really. Honest. He had the phone in his hand, but he chickened out. He sent a text instead.

B: Hey. I did it again

Barry held his breath, pacing. There was a response in less than a minute.

I: Coming over.

Barry wiped his hands over his face. He felt sick.

B: U dont hav to

There was another text in even less time.

I: Coming over.

Caitlin had left a half hour ago. It had taken Barry that long to get the nerve to contact Iris. Now he wished he hadn't.

He left the door unlocked. When she came in, her face steeled and ready to find a bloody and broken Barry, she was confronted instead with the image of him complacently organizing the box that Caitlin had given him, two mugs of hot chocolate already out and waiting, and the folders of papers spread out in front of him.

"Caitlin found out," Barry said flatly.

Iris stood looking down at him for a second, not at all expecting this scene. She finally leaned down, grabbed a mug of hot chocolate, and sat down next to him.

**Short one, I know. Been ultra super stressed and busy. Hopefully more soon. Let me know what you think :)**


	13. Chapter 13

**TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of self harm, minor (very minor) drug abuse**

Barry dragged his fingers through his hair.

"I can't, Iris."

"Don't you dare hang up on me."

"I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"No, you will talk to me right now, Barry Allen."

Barry banged his head on the desk. He brought the phone back to his ear. "I just can't really talk right now." His palm was damp on his forehead. He had a pounding headache. "I want to go to bed, Iris."

"What's the procedure?"

"Nothing – look, I don't want to talk about it."

"Barry –"

"My arm's screwed up. From the accident."

There was a long pause.

"Do you need surgery?" Iris asked slowly.

Barry swallowed.

"They don't know."

"I'm at home right now," Iris said, "Do you want to come over?"

"No, Iris, I'm fine."

"You don't sound fine."

Barry felt like screaming in frustration.

"Yeah, well I am, OK. I'm fine and I want to go to bed. Goodnight Iris."

"Bar-"

Barry hung up the phone.

He stared at the glass screen in his hands. He hadn't hung up like that on Iris since their last big fight, months ago. He turned the phone over in his hands. Maybe he should call her back, say yeah, actually he really wanted to come over, because yeah it might be nice to talk to someone about how freaking insane he was going just sitting there in his apartment alone and with an appointment for them to do God knows what to him the next day at Star Labs. And yeah, it would be really nice to be able to mention how they didn't have a real anesthetic that would work on him and how they couldn't knock him out and how he couldn't rotate his shoulder all the way and he was still getting sharp pains every time he extended it the wrong way.

Barry fell back into bed. He buried his head under the blankets, slowed his breathing, stilled his body. His mind wouldn't stop though. All he could think of were those hands on him and Caitlin's voice _this is going to hurt, Barry._ The restraints, first the doctors then Joe and Cisco, absolutely helpless.

Completely helpless.

Barry pushed his face into the mattress. Goosebumps popped up over his arms. He sat up, reached over, and grabbed the bottle of Nyquil from the bedside table. He tipped it back and drained what was left of the bottle – he wasn't really sure what was needed to knock him out now – he usually just drank as much of the stuff as he could stand the taste for. The effects worked quicker for him. Not quick enough.

The pain in his arm was a dull ache now. He could see the doctors.

_Why isn't he out? _

_Drug addict. _

_Medical history? _

_We've gotta set the leg._

Sharp pain, a crack, and his scream. Useless leg. He tried to run.

Barry laughed, almost laughed. The one thing this power had given him, the ability to run, to help people. Rendered helpless again.

Sleep was pulling at the edges of his mind, pulling at the threads. Caitlin with the needles, Cisco holding his arm. _It'll help. _It didn't. Not enough. Hit by a truck, what a stupid, stupid thing to happen. He should have been dead. Instead he had a messed up shoulder and a scar on the side of his head that might fade but might not. They had tried to put stitches in.

Curved needles, string. A local anesthetic.

_No._

Barry had screamed, lost it. They pumped sedatives into his blood that made him dizzy then faded back to nothing.

_Panic disorder._

_Brain damage._

_Get him sedated, damnit!_

Barry closed his eyes. The Nyquil was kicking in.

LLLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Barry showed up the next day at Star Labs late, very late. He'd called in sick to the station, hadn't told Joe about the appointment, ignored his calls from Iris, and slept and watched TV for most of the morning. When he finally walked through the doors he was wearing sweatpants and a T-shirt and looked like half looked like he had the flu.

"We just want to take some X-rays Barry," Caitlin said.

X-rays turned out to be X-rays, MRI's, and some poking and prodding. It was not altogether horrible. Barry's shoulder hurt. He had ignored it the first few days, then Caitlin caught him wincing, and it all went downhill from there.

"Good news or bad news?" Caitlin asked when she came back after getting all the results.

Barry sighed. "How about good news first."

"The bone healed perfectly," she said brightly, with a smile.

"Bad news?"

"The tendons did not."

"What does that mean?" he asked slowly.

"Well…" Caitlin said. Wells came over, giving Barry a reassuring smile. "It means we have to do some work on it."

Barry didn't move. "How much?"

"Not a ton," Caitlin said, "I should be able to fix it myself – and it won't take long to heal at all once everything's in place."

"You've got to cut me open first though," Barry said, hollowly.

"It would be a very, very small incision," Caitlin said, "A couple of adjustments, that's all."

Barry put his head in his hands. "How?"

"Well," Caitlin said. She put her hand tentatively on Barry's shoulder. "We'd give you a lot of sedative."

"But I'll still be awake."

"Yes, but, enough that you shouldn't feel much."

"Much?"

"Well –"

"You can't block it all."

"No."

"Are you going to strap me down?" Barry asked, suddenly jerking his head back up.

"Well, to stabilize –"

"Are you going to put an IV in or just shots?" Barry stood up, his fingers in his hair, staring at the ground.

"Barry –"

"How long will it take – how long while I'm – restraints right? The same as last time?" He was shaking.

"Barry, we don't have to do –"

"What will you be cutting through? Which – what types of adjustments are you making?"

"It's just a couple –"

Barry was pacing. "When? Tomorrow? Not today, right? Today? Not today."

"We don't have to do it today," Caitlin said quickly.

"Tomorrow," Barry mumbled. He couldn't breathe.

"Barry, you have to calm down for me," Caitlin said, walking up to him.

"Surgery," Barry mumbled.

_This is going to hurt, Barry._

_On three._

_Why isn't he out?_

_Please, try to calm down sir._

_Get the restraints._

Barry shuddered.

"Think of it as a procedure," Caitlin said, "A _small_ procedure."

Barry started walking out of the room.

"Barry? Barry, where are you going."

Barry kept walking, not running, just walking out. He followed the hallway to the elevator, pressed the button. It beeped.

Caitlin caught up to him there, her heels clicking on the tile.

"Barry, wait, talk to me."

Barry shook his head.

"Barry?"

"I don't have anything to say."

He didn't. What did he say? He looked down. His hands were shaking, he couldn't breathe, and his mind was blank, numb. What did he do? There wasn't anything to do. Surgery. Shots. IV's. Cutting. Tendons. Muscles. It was flashing in a horror skewed slideshow, a sort of kaleidoscope in front of his eyes. He couldn't think.

When he stepped into the elevator Caitlin followed him, but she didn't think he noticed, his eyes glazed over, staring at the ground.

"Barry," she took his arm, "It'll be alright."

"No it won't," he said. His voice was hollow, blank, his eyes still staring at the ground. "You say that to make me feel better, but it's never alright. It's just as bad every time."

"No, Barry, it's true. Afterwards you'll still be you, you'll be alive and OK, I promise."

Barry shook his head. He smiled and looked up. There were tears in the corners of his eyes, the whites going an irritated red and his face starting to puff up already.

"You don't get it, Caitlin. I'm not OK. I'm never OK afterwards. You tell me every time that it'll be alright, but it _never_ is. I'm never alright. The word doesn't even mean anything anymore."

And then it broke and every image that could possibly cause pain or panic flashed in front of Barry's eyes and he was crying, his hands over his face, suddenly very, very not numb.

"You'll strap me down and I'm helpless, Caitlin, I have absolutely no control," he said his voice cracking, escalating, "And it'll hurt and I should be used to that but I can't do it – I can't do it when I don't have control about it when I can't even try and get away and it's just coming and I know it and I just keep seeing the needles under my skin everywhere I look and I can't sleep and I can't cut and I need to cut because then it's me – it's like I can convince myself it'll be alright, I can be hurt and alright I can get cut open and be alright because if I can hurt myself then I shouldn't be afraid of getting hurt but when I'm strapped down and it's the needles then I still am. I shouldn't be but I am."

Caitlin had her arms around Barry in the elevator and his head was over her shoulder, his eyes squeezed shut and his face wet and he couldn't breathe but he didn't want to ever move.

"It's OK," she said. Her hand moved in circles over his back. "It's OK, Barry, shhhh."

And Barry wanted to scream but instead he curled his fingers into a fist behind her back, his chin on her sweater, which was soft and probably wet and he couldn't get his mouth open, couldn't get words to form on his tongue so he didn't say anything and blocked out everything.

"You're alright," Caitlin said, "No one's hurting you. We'll work it out. It's OK."

_It's not, it's not, it's not._ Barry couldn't let go. There was a huge knot in his throat, his heart hammering way too fast, and he was so scared, so terribly horribly scared that she would let go and leave him alone with his mind. He was slipping dangerously, going backwards into that space that he couldn't deal with, couldn't get through on his own.

"Don't leave," he said.

"I won't."

The elevator doors had opened and closed again and they were still in there.

Caitlin's hand slipped up onto his shoulder and her thumb went in circles on the back of his neck, just above his caller. She spoke soft and steady.

"I'm going to work with Cisco," she said, "And we'll figure out the best way to do this."

Barry shuddered.

"And you're going to be OK," she said, "You're going to be OK the whole time and even afterwards. I'm going to make sure of it. I promise." She paused. "And you're not going to cut, because you don't need to hurt yourself to prove anything. It's OK to be scared. I won't lie to you. The procedure will hurt. It won't hurt a lot. You don't need to hurt yourself too. Pain is pain, no matter who controls it."

_If only, _Barry thought. He squeezed tighter.

"I'll tell you everything I do before I do it," she said, "And we might need to strap down your arm to keep it stable, but I won't do any other restraints unless absolutely necessary."

Barry closed his eyes.

"We'll go as slow as you need to and you can tell me if you need to stop and take a break. We'll get you a nice pillow and some blankets, and we can section off your arm so you can't see it if you want. Joe can come too if you want him to.

"We could try getting a TV going, something to distract you. It'll be IV and shots. You shouldn't even feel the shots after I get an IV in. I know you don't like it, and that will suck, but we'll take it nice and slow. I've got a new drug that might help relax you. It's kind of like valium, and I don't know how well it'll work, but we can try it."

"Thank you."

"It'll be OK, Barry."

Barry just closed his eyes again.

**Sooo, if you can't tell i can't really make up my mind between Westallen and Snowbarry - think i might just torture you all with hinting at both :) I lean westallen but i like both - right now Barry just really needs friends though. Anyway, surgery up next plus more barry struggling with keeping clean - going to talk a little more about that time when he was fourteen and his cutting then, but I'm thinking about maybe writing a preclude to this fic? Just a short thing with a couple chapters on that time, mostly for fun. What do you guys think? I don't really like doing flashbacks but i want a little more extensive background - i'll definitely incorporate some of it into this fic, but i might want to go a little more in detail, and i don't think that much detail is really relevant to this fic itself (i've got a tendency to overwrite backgrounds and prologues in my own writing). Tell me what you think - i really appreciate it :)**


	14. Chapter 14

**TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of drug abuse (very minor)**

"Hey, Caitlin."

"Hey, Barry, what's up?"

"I'm, uh, I'm just not doing great."

"Oh – oh, do you just want to talk? Want me to meet you somewhere? Go to your apartment?"

"No I just, I can't sleep. I'm not – I didn't wake you up did I?"

"No, I'm actually still at Star Labs."

"Why are you still there?"

"Just working on stuff."

"Oh."

"Why are you having trouble sleeping?"

"Just, nervous, I guess."

"I've got everything all set up for you tomorrow."

"It's… I mean, everything looks good? There shouldn't be any… problems right?"

"Absolutely not. It's very easy, very simple. Everything's ready. Nothing to worry about."

"OK, good, great, it's just… I'm just…"

"Nervous."

"Yeah."

"That's OK. It's going to be fine."

"It'll just hurt a little, right? Not like… you know, just not…"

"It will only hurt a little. It won't be bad."

"None of it?"

"None of it."

"You're being honest? Like, if there's going to be one part that is going to hurt a lot, I'd rather just know ahead of time, I can deal with it, I just… I just want to know."

"No, honest. I'd tell you, I know what you mean. It won't hurt a lot, Barry, I promise."

"OK, I just…"

"It won't be like after the accident. I've adjusted the anesthetic, and I have a lot more of it ready for use. Actually, I have about twice as much as I'm going to need, just in case. There's no part of this that should hurt much more than a shot would."

"Speaking of that, how many –"

"You shouldn't feel them at all. The IV should keep the pain down enough already that you'll be pretty numb. The shots are just extra. I'll block it off. I can tell you when I do them if you want, but if you don't want me too, then you won't even know when I inject them."

"OK… OK."

"It'll be alright, Barry."

"OK… I'm gonna go now, Caitlin. Thanks."

"No problem. I'll see you tomorrow, Barry."

"Bye."

Barry hung up the phone. He was sitting on his bed, the lamp light on next to him. He sighed, sat there for a moment, the phone between his hands, and finally sighed again. He got up, grabbed his sneakers, a bag, and threw on his jacket.

He knocked at the West household. He heard a shout from inside, and then opened the door.

Joe was at the kitchen table, staring down at case files.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, turning around to face him. He checked the clock. "It's getting late."

"I, umm," he said, "Was wondering if I could just stay here tonight? I'll just – on the couch, if it's OK." Barry pointed.

"Of course, Barry," Joe said, his brow furrowing. "But it won't be that comfortable."

"That's OK," he said, "Is Iris home?"

"She should be soon," Joe said.

"OK," Barry said. He sat down on the couch, grabbing a blanket and dropping his bag. Joe walked over to him.

"You doing alright?"

"I'm fine," Barry said.

"Yeah, 'cause you just drop over to sleep on the couch every night your fine."

"I… I can't sleep," Barry said.

"Ah," Joe said, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No," Barry said, "It's fine, I just… I'm really tired."

Joe nodded. "Alright, well, you try and get some sleep. I'll wake you up tomorrow if you aren't already. I'm going to go to bed myself, but Barry." Joe looked at him. "You come wake me up if things _aren't_ alright, OK?"

"Yeah, thanks, Joe."

"Don't worry about it," Joe said, heading for the stairs, "Just try and get yourself some sleep."

Barry sighed and moved the pillow over, throwing the blanket over his shoulders. He closed his eyes. It was late.

When Iris got home about forty minutes later she almost jumped, seeing a form on the couch. When she realized it was Barry she relaxed again, tiptoed around the living room, and headed upstairs to her bedroom. She got changed, brushed her teeth, and went to bed.

She woke up about two hours later to the sound of rustling blankets and mumbled cries.

Iris was a light sleeper. She could thank Barry for that. When she was little, and Barry had just moved there, she would sneak over to his bedroom, open the door a crack, confirm that it was him the sounds were coming for, and run and wake up her father to go comfort him. Joe could sleep through anything.

This time though she snuck out of bed and slipped down the stairs herself. She walked over to the couch where Barry was, mumbling and turning in his sleep again. The nightmares had mostly stopped about a year after the incident, but Barry would get them sporadically even years later, and lots of times before or after doctor's visits. Iris should have remembered.

She shook his arm gently.

"Barry… Barry, wake up."

He suddenly went rigid, his whole body still. Then his eyes snapped open. He stared at the ceiling, then his eyes jerked to Iris, his breathing heavy and sweat dripping down his forehead.

"Hey," Iris said softly, "It's OK. You were asleep."

Barry frowned, shifted, and sat up. He ran a hand over his face, then wiped the back of his wrist across his forehead.

"Nightmare," he said.

"Yeah," Iris said, "You OK?"

Barry nodded. His eyes looked hazy and he was lost in thought.

"Hey," Iris said.

Barry's eyes snapped back up. He looked over at the clock. It was two in the morning.

"Do you remember," he asked slowly, "The time I hid in the attic so I wouldn't have to go for my physical?"

Iris laughed. "Of course I do. We couldn't find you for hours – you almost gave my dad a heart attack."

Barry smiled. "I really want to go hide in the attic again."

Iris leaned her head against his shoulder. "No you don't," she said, "Too many spiders."

"I think I'll take the spiders."

"Cobwebs, dust – plus I'm pretty sure this time of year you'd freeze up there."

"Probably."

There was a long pause. Barry was pretty sure he wasn't going to be getting anymore sleep that night, no matter how tired he was. His nerves were running wild. It wasn't the panic-stricken fear right now, just an all over jittery, achy nervousness.

"Do you have any Nyquil?" Barry asked.

"Are you sick?" Iris asked. She put her hand against his forehead.

Barry ducked away from her. "No."

She backed up, looking at him. "Have you been taking Nyquil to sleep?"

"A little bit."

"That's a bad idea," she said, pointing at him, "And you know it."

He shrugged. "I can't sleep."

"Talk to Caitlin. Maybe she can prescribe you sleep aids or something."

_Except nothing works on me._

"Fine," he said.

"It'll be OK, Barry," Iris said.

Why did everyone keep telling him that?

She got up off the couch. "Why don't you lay back down and try and get some more sleep," she said, "I'm going to go back upstairs." She paused for a second though. "Unless you need to talk more."

Barry forced himself to smile. "No, I'm exhausted. Good night."

She smiled at him. "Good night, Barry."

LLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Barry ended up turning on the TV after about a half hour of trying to fall asleep in vain. He wasn't sure what time he finally dozed off but he woke up the next morning to Joe coming down the stairs. Iris was already gone to work.

"You ready to go, Barry?"

Barry blinked, yawned, and then that dread in the pit of his stomach hit him. He wondered if it was too late to find a nice chair in the attic.

"Yeah," he said.

He could have gotten ready quickly, using his speed, but he didn't. He dragged out every minute of it until Joe was waiting at the door for him.

When they arrived at Star Labs, Barry tried to keep his mind blank. Don't think about it and you can't let the panic set in. Just ignore it. Ignore everything. Totally, absolutely blank. Numb.

That worked up about until they entered the room with all the medical equipment set up.

Barry swallowed hard. Wells wasn't there but Cisco was tinkering with a pole set up, much like the shower curtain contraption they had used when Iris was there, except this one looked a lot more refined. Caitlin was setting out supplies. Barry tried not to look but he found himself doing it anyway, identifying the syringes, the scalpels, the tools and the vials all labeled. He felt his heartrate kick up.

Joe put a hand on his shoulder and steered him over to where Cisco was, with the poles and the plastic curtain and the bed. Barry did not sit down.

"OK," Caitlin said, smiling and walking over to them. "Everything's all set."

"Ready, kid?" Joe asked.

Barry forced himself to sit down. His throat was tightening up. He pulled his shirt off so they would be able to get at his shoulder, and then he leaned back.

Caitlin took his hand gently, and Cisco wheeled over a tray, along with the IV. Joe put his hand on his shoulder again.

"Breathe, Barry," he said.

Barry shook his head.

The second the needle touched his skin he jerked back, his hand ripping from Caitlin's. He shuddered.

"One minute," he said, trying to catch his breath. He closed his eyes. Oh, God, he did not want to be here. He did not, did not, want to be here. He just wanted to go home.

"Can you try again, Barry?" Caitlin asked gently.

Barry shook his head, his eyes still closed. "I'm just going to take your hand," she said carefully. She reached over and Barry felt her fingers on his skin. His breathing kicked up.

"That's it," she said, "It's alright."

Barry started shaking.

"We're going to try again now, Barry," Caitlin said, "Just one pinch."

And before Barry could pull back again she had the needle in his hand and was attaching the IV and Barry was sputtering, leaning back against the bed and shuddering.

"It's OK," Caitlin said, "All done."

"Doing great, Barry," Joe said.

"I'm going to just section off your arm, alright, Barry?" Cisco said.

Barry felt the plastic curtain over his arm and turned his head. They were taping it in place so he wouldn't see what they were doing. He felt someone touch his arm and he jumped.

"Easy," Cisco said, holding up his hands, "Not doing anything yet. Just getting stuff in place."

"I'm going to start getting the pain medication into your bloodstream," Caitlin said, "And I'm going to add in that sedative too."

At first, Barry didn't feel anything, but then his hands and feet started to go kind of numb, a tingly numb like pins and needles. He still didn't feel relaxed, he was still terrified, but he had stopped shaking and his breathing was evening out.

"How do you feel?" Caitlin asked.

Barry shrugged. He felt fingers on his arm again and moved away.

"Barry," Caitlin said, very, very gently, "we need to strap down your arm to stabilize it, like we talked about, remember?"

Barry shook his head. "Can't – can't I try it without that first. I won't move – I"

"Your body will move on its own once we start working."

Cisco started to position his arm and Barry started shaking again. He felt something clamp down around his wrist, then under his armpit around his shoulder, and one more at his elbow. He tugged at it, found he couldn't move at all, and jerked his head around to Joe, almost screaming.

"It's OK," Joe said, kneeling down so they were at eye level. "Look at me, Barry. It's OK."

Barry leaned his head against the back of the bed. He shut his eyes, breathing through his teeth.

"Barry," Caitlin said, "We can take a break now if you want."

Barry nodded quickly, the relief immense.

"When we start again," she said, "Do you want me to tell you before I give you the shots? You shouldn't feel them at all – maybe a tiny prick but that's it."

Barry hesitated.

"Why don't you just relax, and let her do what she needs to, Barry?" Joe said slowly.

"OK," Barry said. He wasn't sure if he liked the idea or not.

After a minute or two Caitlin went around to his arm. Barry had calmed down a little bit now. He was scared, but he didn't feel like he was drowning anymore.

_I'm fine, _he thought, _I can do this._

"I'm going to start now, OK, Barry?"

Barry nodded, taking in a deep breath.

"Did you feel that?" Caitlin asked.

"No," Barry said. A moment later a numbing sensation ran over his arm.

_She's injecting me, _he thought. He tried to just block the thoughts out. He couldn't feel it, couldn't see it, it was like it wasn't even happening.

He felt a slight prick, and then another burst of numbness. It happened again, but this time he couldn't really tell if he actually felt something or if he was imagining it.

"OK," Caitlin said, "The shots are done, I might need to do more later, but right now they're done. I'm going to start."

Barry took in another deep breath, trying to brace himself.

"You're going to feel this, Barry," she said, "It might only feel like a little tug, or it might hurt a bit. If anything hurts too much, let me know – I'll give you another shot of the anesthetic."

Barry nodded.

He felt a sharp pain across his shoulder, but it was odd, a sort of prickling sensation that wasn't pleasant but wasn't terrible either. He squeezed down on Joe's hand and set his teeth in his mouth, clenching down.

"Steady," Joe said.

Barry hated the feeling of not being able to move his arm. A burning sensation set in across his shoulder which he ignored.

_This isn't bad, _he told himself, _it barely even hurts._ He got hurt way worse than this all the time. He was fine.

He clenched his hand, the one they were working on, to a fist.

"Easy, Barry," Caitlin said, "Relax your arm – you're tightening up."

Barry let out a long breath and had to force his fingers to unclench.

"That's it."

He kept feeling little pricks and burns in his shoulder and arm. It caught him off guard a couple of times and he sucked in a breath or said a quick "ow" but it wasn't bad. It was more from surprise and anxiety then from pain.

"OK, Barry, I have to put in a little – it's just a piece of metal, to keep the area where I'm working open. It's going to be uncomfortable. You're healing even while I'm working, and I can't have the – the area closing up."

"OK," Barry said with a shaky breath."

Barry felt pressure on his arm, then a dull pain, and then a sharper pain.

"Ow," he said, jerking his arm.

"Easy," Joe said. Barry broke out into shudders.

"It's OK," Caitlin said, "I'm just getting it in place. I'm going to get you another couple doses of anesthetic once I'm done."

Caitlin was right, it was uncomfortable. Barry could feel it digging in against his skin and at the incision Caitlin had made. It was painful. He didn't feel the shots, but he knew she had administered them because the pain subsided. He could just imagine his body trying to heal around that metal, inching up against it.

He suddenly felt very much like he was going to throw up.

"Hey, steady there kid, you're getting pale. It's alright. You're fine," Joe said.

"Everything is still going to plan," Caitlin said, "We had this ready."

"Is it – is it healing?" Barry asked.

"Is it – no, no Barry, it's OK."

"I made it specially for you," Cisco said, "That's why it's uncomfortable. It's cold – just enough to freeze your cells enough that it'll slow down your healing process."

"It's freezing my cells?"

"Not like the cold gun," Cisco said quickly, "This is a lot warmer than that."

"And much more controlled," Caitlin said, "It's entirely safe."

Barry nodded.

"I just gave you some more anesthetic, but this is the hardest part. You might feel it a bit. Just a prick though."

It was a little more than a prick. It felt kind of like a bad shot, the kind that leaves a bruise for weeks afterwards. Barry grimaced and flinched away. A pressure lifted from his arm afterwards though.

"Almost done," Caitlin said.

Barry didn't feel much after that, just a few little dots of pain. When they took out the device it hurt a bit, but not bad.

"It's all done," Caitlin said, "We just need to make sure everything is cleaned out, and that it heals properly.

So Barry had to stay and lie on the bed for another half hour while the wound closed up enough that they could put a bandage over it.

"Everything looks good," Caitlin said, smiling as Cisco got rid of the divider that was up over his arm. Barry looked over at the bandage wrapped around his shoulder. It felt so good to get his arm out of those restraints. It was a little sore, but besides that it already felt better. "Want me to get that IV out for you?"

Barry looked away while Caitlin got the needle out. The feeling made his skin crawl but he wanted it out bad enough that he was willing to put up with the feeling. Cisco brought him some orange juice. Barry was thankful. He was already starting to get a headache from the stress.

"How are you feeling?" Caitlin asked.

"Tired," Barry said. Actually, he just wanted to sleep for a year.

"I want you to stay so we can test your range of motion afterwards," Caitlin said, "But you can sleep for a few hours first.

Barry nodded.

"I've got to get down to the station, Barry," Joe said, "But give me a call when you're all set, alright."

"OK, bye," Barry said.

Joe waved and left. "Get some rest. You did great."

Barry got up off the hospital bed.

"Is there somewhere else I can lie down?" he asked. He really didn't think he'd be able to sleep in that bed.

"Yeah, of course," Caitlin said. She led him back to another room, with another bed, this one more like a cot but less like a hospital bed. "I'll come get you in a couple hours."

"OK, thanks," Barry said. He sat down, but Caitlin paused at the door.

"You OK, Barry?" she asked.

He paused. "Yeah," he said, "I'm a little, rattled still, I guess, but… yeah."

"Good," she said, smiling. "Get some sleep." And she closed the door.

**So, let me know what you're thinking :) More soon.**


	15. Chapter 15

Barry was doing really, well… well. It was two weeks after the surgery and his arm felt great. There were no other lasting damages from the accident, his teeth were good again, and he had finally stopped flinching whenever he crossed a road. And he wasn't cutting. He didn't even think about it too much. He was getting through his work fine, there had been no new metahumans, and basically everything was pretty much going good for once.

Couldn't have that, now could we.

No, everything was just going too well, too well for Caitlin to leave it alone, to let him enjoy it.

"It would be really slow."

"I'm not doing it."

"We wouldn't do anything you weren't comfortable with."

"Good, because I'm not comfortable with this."

"Barry."

"I told you no."

"You're not even _considering_ it."

Barry walked out of the room and grabbed his jacket, pulling it on as he entered a different part of the lab.

"Cisco, help me out here," Caitlin said.

Cisco didn't even look up from where he was tinkering with something. "Staying out of it."

"Cisco!"

Cisco put up his hands. "He doesn't want to do it."

"See," Barry said pointedly.

"It won't do anything if he's not on board," Cisco said.

"So you agree desensitization is a good idea," Caitlin pushed.

"Yes," Cisco said.

Caitlin shot Barry a look.

"But not if Barry's not on board," Cisco said quickly.

"I already told you guys," Barry said, directing it at Caitlin, "that I tried that stuff and it doesn't work."

"Oh come on, man, don't compare us to some stuffy old shrink here," Cisco said.

"I'm not doing it," Barry said.

"Barry," Wells said, wheeling into the room, "I think it's a good idea."

Barry sighed, turning to him instead now. "I've tried it. Doesn't work. I don't want to do it."

"I think you should try again."

"It doesn't –"

"If you come up against something and are hurt, and we can't get to you in time, what are you going to do? You have to be able to take care of yourself, and you can't do that when you're terrified of anything sharp," Wells said curtly.

Barry just starred. "Harsh," Cisco mumbled under his breath.

Well's sighed. "It's a weakness," he said, "It's not your fault, and it's very understandable, but you need to address it."

"I've tried," Barry said.

Well's frowned at him. "Not like this. You're already getting better with injections and blood tests."

"That's only because I've had to keep getting them," Barry said.

"Yes, and with more practice, the fear can go away entirely."

"You want me to come in and let you stick me full of needles every day until I'm not afraid anymore?" Barry asked, starting to get angry.

"That is not how we'd –" Caitlin cut in but Wells interrupted her.

"If that's what it takes."

"Well I'm not going to just sit there and let you –"

"Barry, you're getting yourself worked up over nothing."

"Don't tell me what I'm allowed to be upset about."

"I am telling you," Wells said slowly, "that you are letting your fear control your decisions. You need to stop acting like a child and take control of this. Address it."

"This isn't really the same as a simple facing your fears kind of thing," Barry shot back.

"I didn't say it was," Wells said, "It's much more difficult than that. I understand. You still need to do something about it."

"I can't," Barry burst.

"You can't hide behind that phrase every time something gets difficult."

"You expect me to just jump into this even though I've spent my whole life avoiding it."

"No one's asking you to jump into anything, just to try a little desensitization therapy – people do it all the time, Barry."

"You say that like it's so easy."

"It's not easy. You can still do it."

"And what if I don't want to."

"I think you've made it pretty clear you don't want to."

"I'm not doing that."

"Is that your final response, Barry?" Wells asked. There was something in the look in his eye that made Barry hesitate, made him think. "Because in that case I think you'd better rethink this whole superhero thing altogether."

"What are you talking about?"

"It's pretty simple, Barry. If you're not even willing to try this, in order to get better, than maybe you're not ready to do what's necessary to help people."

"That's not the same thing. That's not even close. You're the one that told me I could do this."

"And I still believe you can. I'm just wondering how dedicated you are, that you'd allow this to continue to be a problem."

Barry yelled in frustration. "Fine, OK? Fine, I'll try it. If it doesn't work though I'm not continuing it." And with that he finished pulled on his jacket and left, storming out of the room.

Caitlin turned to Well's afterwards. "You could have been a little nicer," she said.

Well's sighed. He took off his glasses and rubbed at his eyes. "He's stubborn. I might have gotten a little frustrated." He may have lost his temper, but Barry needed to be able to deal with what was to come, after all, he was his most important achievement.

Barry sat on the chair across from Caitlin, glowering.

"OK," she said, smiling way too wide. Barry looked around. They were in a small room at Star labs, what looked to have been an office space, with bookshelves and a window view and two very comfy chairs. Caitlin said she wanted them to be in a neutral, calming environment.

It wasn't working so great so far.

Barry was tense, looking around, wondering what Caitlin had in that bag of hers. He was suspicious of needles, of what Wells had said. _If that's what it takes._

Would she stick him with a shot on their first day?

After his little conversation with Wells he had run home, beat the shit out of a couple pillows, and fumed on his own for a while. Then Caitlin had called and told him to meet her at four the next day. And so he was here.

In the room. With the comfy chairs. And Caitlin. And her bag.

"We're going to start really simple," she said. She pulled out a shot.

Barry nearly flinched, his eyes glued to it. Caitlin pulled it out so easily. She held it up for him to see.

"No needle," she said, touching the place where it would be. She demonstrated, pressing it against her own skin.

Barry calmed down a little bit at that. No needle meant she wouldn't be injecting him with anything, at least not yet.

"I want you to relax," she said, and she moved so she was sitting next to him on the chair. It was large, almost a small couch, with plenty of room for the both of them, "And tell me if you're getting too nervous." She paused to look at him. "This isn't like when you're hurt. If you need a break, need to stop, need to go slower, just tell me. We will. It's up to you."

Barry nodded, taking a deep breath. Caitlin put the shot down in her lap, and started rolling up Barry's sleeve. "I'm going to go through it, just like I would if I were giving you a shot," she said, "except there won't be any needle. I want you to focus on breathing in and out, nice and steady. If at any point you get too anxious, tell me to stop."

Barry fixed his eyes straight ahead, gripping his hands together. He did as she said and breathed in nice and slow. Caitlin rolled up his sleeve. He breathed out, counting to eight. She wiped his arm with antiseptic. The smell alone made his heart start to pound, but he pushed the nervousness away. There was no needle. No shot. She took his arm. His breathing got heavier. _Get a grip, _he thought, _she's not doing anything. The shot's empty. _ But even though he knew that, his body reacted anyway. _There's no needle, _he kept repeating to himself, breathing in and out nice and slow.

He felt the plastic come down on his arm and he tensed involuntarily, holding his breath for a second. Then it came away and he could breathe again, and there was no pain and no needle, and he was fine, absolutely fine, and he felt silly and childish for getting scared in the first place.

"That was good, Barry," Caitlin said, "Really good. Can we do it one more time, and this time can you look at me while I do it."  
><em>No, <em>was his immediate reaction, but that was dumb, there wasn't any needle, it was fine, so he swallowed hard and nodded, looking over.

Caitlin took the shot, no not the shot, just the plastic – plastic case – and brought it to his arm and Barry let out a long, deep breath, his muscles tensing. It hit his arm but he kept breathing, focusing on letting the air out in a controlled, steady fashion, and she took the shot away again. He was fine, perfectly fine. A small swarm of relief came over him. He was OK. There was no needle. He could do this.

They went through that a couple more times, on his arm, on his leg, his side, and then Caitlin had him hold it, showed him how to press it down against his skin. She had him do it on her arm first, then against his own. And somehow instead of being worse that made it less scary, when he could control it, and he was actually staring to think this wasn't so bad, not really that bad at all, when she took the shot back from him and took out another one instead.

This one had a needle. Of course it did.

Barry broke out sweating, his whole demeanor changing at once.

"Whoa," Caitlin said, "Easy. It's OK. Nice and slow, remember."

"I can't do that yet," Barry said, "It's one thing with no needle, but right – right away with the actual shot – I mean I know I've done it before but you said to tell you if I was too nervous and I'm too nervous to do that – I can't –"

"Barry, I'm not injecting you with anything," she said, "I wasn't even going to inject you at all today. I just want you to get used to seeing it."

"Oh," Barry said, "Oh… O-OK."

Caitlin smiled and took his hand. "Relax Barry. Go back to your deep breathing. I'm just going to hold it here. I want you to look at it, and focus on staying calm."

That wasn't so hard. He could look at it. Sure, it didn't make him feel good, and he didn't really want to be there, but he could do it.

"I'm going to move it closer to you, alright, Barry?"

Barry nodded.

She held the shot so that the needle was near his leg. Barry's stomach churned and he focused on breathing nice and even. After a minute she moved it closer, so it was almost touching. He was wearing jeans, so it wasn't like it was right on him, but it was starting to get to him. After a little bit he got used to that too, though. He trusted Caitlin.

"Alright," Caitlin said, "I'm going to move it to your arm instead."

The needle moved up to his exposed bicep. He turned his head and stopped looking at it.

"Keep breathing," she said, "I've got it. I won't touch you."

_I trust Caitlin, _he thought again. She said she wouldn't touch him, so she wouldn't. It was fine. It was just close to him.

"Barry, if it's alright," she said, "I'm going to put it against your arm now. I won't inject you, or even prick you, just put the edge of it against your skin."

"No," he said automatically.

"OK," she said, "I won't if you don't want me to, but could we try?"

Barry clenched his teeth. His skin was crawling. "Would it be better?" she asked "If you held it against your skin?"

Barry nodded. He could do that. He could hold it. It was fine. He wouldn't get the shot, he would just hold it. He could do that.

Caitlin handed it to him, and he lowered the shot carefully to his wrist. He put the flat edge of the needle against his skin. It was cold, but he barely felt it. He breathed in, breathed out. It unsettled his stomach and made his skin crawl but he was OK, anxious but not panicking. And even that slowly started to fade.

"Alright," Caitlin said, taking it back from him. She was smiling wide. "That's good for today. You did great, Barry."

He just nodded. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad.

LLLLLLIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEE

It was the annual blood drive at Central city's police station.

Usually, Barry made a point of being sick on said day, but amid a crazy new metahuman and a ton of paperwork, he had forgotten, and now he was stuck upstairs in his lab, praying to God no one remembered him up there and asked him to go down.

It wasn't like they could force him to participate, but it was kind of expected that everyone did. The captain wouldn't say anything to him, and Joe wouldn't of course, but he'd gotten a few snide comments when people started realizing his mysterious absence every time they did a blood drive.

Barry wanted to help, he really did. He even tried to steel himself to go last year, but had ducked out at the last second. Now he couldn't though. His blood was different, supercharged by the particle accelerator.

Not to mention there was no way in hell he was sitting with a needle in his arm for that long. His sessions with Caitlin had only just started.

It was all going fine until he decided to sneak down for lunch. He was just almost to the door when a hand came down on his shoulder, and that's when he knew he was in trouble.

"Allen, you been down to see the truck yet? I just got finished, see." Jim extended his arm, showing a cotton bandage over the inside of his elbow, taped in place.

Barry smiled nervously. "I was just going to grab some lunch, actually."

"Oh, you can spare five minutes, can't you?" Jim said, and then somehow Barry was walking outside and over to where the truck was parked and set up, looking desperately for a way out.

"Uh, I really gotta get back," Barry said, "I'm just swamped right now – I mean with the Rockefeller case and –"

"Boss'll cut you some slack – helping the injured, that's a little more important than a fraud case."

"Uh, look, Jim," Barry said, coming up to the truck at an alarming rate. He could see the nurses around, the equipment set up. "I've got a medical condition – I can't have blood taken."

That's when Jim stopped, turning to him. He had to be in his mid-thirties and never really grew out of that school yard bully mentality, or the complex that told him he had a right and a duty to deal it out. "It's just a needle, Allen, we do it every year – you might just be in forensics and the son of a field agent but that doesn't mean you can just skip it because you don't want a little needle prick."

"It's not that," Barry said hastily, "I really can't have it taken –"

"As I recall that wasn't exactly the case last year, now was it?"

Barry was starting to sweat. "I can't –"

"Allen!" a voice called across the street. They both turned around to see Eddie at the door to the station, holding it open. "Captain needs you. Now." Eddie waved him over. Barry took one look at Jim, shrugged, and practically ran back to the door, where Eddie was still waiting for him.

"What does the captain want?" Barry asked, following Eddie quickly inside.

"Nothing," he said, holding the door again, looking back to where Jim was heading down the street, "just thought you could use some help there."

"Thanks," Barry said, the realization hitting him. He was quiet as they walked back in.

"I grabbed you a burger by the way," Eddie said, tossing it to him. He walked up to the lab with him and they went inside. Barry mumbled another thanks, unwrapping it, but he didn't feel so hungry anymore. Jim's words kept sticking in his head.

_helping the injured_

_wasn't exactly the case last year_

_doesn't mean you can just skip it because you don't want a little needle prick_

"Hey," Eddie said, "what's going on?" He frowned and nodded at the untouched burger on Barry's desk.

Barry snapped out of it. He pushed the burger away and looked at another case file. "Nothing, just, not that hungry I guess."

"I've seen you eat five of those," Eddie said, "is it that guy Jim?"

"No, no it's fine," Barry said.

"Good, because Jim's an asshole," Eddie said.

There was silence for a moment. Right as Eddie was about to go back downstairs Barry spoke without lifting his head. "I'm the only one that doesn't do the blood drive."

"Is that what the guy said?"

"Doesn't matter. It's true."

"You've got a condition, Barry, it's –"

"In my head," he said, tapping his pencil against the stack of papers, "it's stupid."

"It's not stupid when it's severe."

"It's silly."

"You want to say that again with a razor blade in your hand?"

Barry's head shot up.

"Yeah," Eddie said. He took another bite of the burger. "if it's that bad," he swallowed, "then you've got every right to put yourself first every once in a while."

Eddie leaned back from the desk he was leaning against and started to head out the door.

"Thanks, Eddie," Barry said.

"No problem," Eddie said, going through the doorway. He popped back in a moment later, his face serious, "and Jim's an asshole."

Barry laughed and Eddie smiled before leaving again. But the words were still in his head. Wells and now Jim. Barry took a bite of the burger. A blood drive was one thing, what if next time his phobia kept him from saving someone? If he wasn't well enough because he had avoided treatment or if he couldn't get himself to take a risk that could lead to injury. Barry stared at the cases in front of him. _A little needle prick._ Stupid. Silly. Barry clenched his fists. Maybe they were right.

**Heads up i do not agree with nor condone the perspectives of "Jim" or Wells in this chapter - even though Barry is beginning to agree with them (you can't deal with a phobia like that) - it will be discussed more in later chapters. As always let me know what you think and any suggestions - i'm going to take the story in a slightly new direction - Barry working through the phobia now instead of just dealing with it - but it's about to get worse before it gets better. Review and tell me what you think! (Please!) And thank you to all that have done so so far - i really appreciate it and you give me great ideas and new perspectives :)**


	16. Chapter 16

Barry tugged at the collar of his shirt. He was sweating.

"I'm just going to prick you with it," Caitlin said, "Not inject you, not press down on it – just a tiny prick with the needle."

Barry nodded, clenching his hands to fists. He was nervous. He was really, really nervous.

"Is that OK?" Caitlin asked, "You can say no, Barry."

You can say no. No, you can't. Just a prick. Just a prick, Barry. He couldn't think straight.

He nodded, let out a shuddering breath and stared at his hands.

"Barry," Caitlin said, trying to look him in the eyes, "are you OK?"  
>He just nodded again.<p>

"You don't look OK."

"I'm fine. Just – just do it."

"I'm not doing anything if you won't even look at me."

Barry took a deep breath, looked up at Caitlin and as calmly as he could, repeated, "I'm fine."

"OK," Caitlin said, "Take a deep breath then."

_Oh, God, oh God oh God._

Barry took in a deep breath.

He felt the prick of the needle and then it was gone. He let out the breath, shaky. He looked at his arm but there wasn't even a spot of blood. It was already healing.

Caitlin rubbed his arm, looking concernedly at him.

"You alright?"

"Yeah," Barry said, shuddering. He ran a hand over his face. He was fine. Fine. It was just a scratch. A prick. Tiny. Not a big deal.

Caitlin was still looking at him with that expression, silently calculating how much of his statement was a lie. At this point Barry wasn't even sure.

"Do you want to keep going?" Caitlin asked.

Barry swallowed. "Yeah – yeah, let's do it."

"We can stop now if it's too much," Caitlin said.

Barry shook his head. "No – it's fine." He took a deep breath.

Caitlin brought the shot up again, but this time Barry flinched, turning his head sharply to the side. Caitlin stopped, and then put the needle down.

"Barry," she said, "You have to tell me when it's too much for you."

"I'm fine," he said, "I just – I'm alright. Try again. I'm good."

"If you're panicking," she said, "You'll make the phobia worse, not better."

Barry let out a frustrated breath, hands clenched on top of his knees. This would be so much better if it were something he could just get over and done with – instead it was slow – agonizingly slow.

"Do you want to do it yourself?" Caitlin asked.

Barry looked up and nodded. He took the shot from Caitlin and moved it towards his bicep. He tried to relax. Breathe. He pricked himself with the end of the needle, grimacing. He exhaled. Why was it so much easier when he was the one doing it?

"That was good," Caitlin said, taking it back from him. "Do you think you can let me do it now?"

Barry nodded.

She pricked him again. It was better this time. He closed his eyes and just focused on breathing.

"I'm going to do it again, is that alright?"

Barry nodded. He kept his eyes closed, but they weren't squeezed shut. He was just focusing on breathing in and out, nice and slow. He could do this. Caitlin stuck him again, and then kept going, pricking him a few more times. He focused on relaxing his arms, on assessing the pain and forcing himself to realize that it was tiny, not at all bad, not at all anything to worry about.

"You're doing really good, Barry," Caitlin said, stopping. "I think that's enough for today though."

Barry didn't feel like he was doing good. He felt a little shaky and really happy it was over for the day and like he really should have been able to do a little shot by now.

But all Barry said was "OK." He was just getting up when his phone rang, Joe.

"Hello?"

"_Barry, where are you? We have a body on central and our forensic scientist isn't in the police station._"

"Oh!" Barry said. He looked at the clock. "I'll meet you there!"

He looked at Caitlin. "Go," she said.

He smiled. "Bye."

About five seconds later he was at the crime scene. Two minutes later the police cars showed up.

"You're early," Eddie said with a shocked expression.

"I was in the area," Barry said.

Joe gave him a look and Barry shrugged.

The area was already cased, tape put up everywhere. It looked like just a random mugging. They were in a side alley with no surveillance and there were no eye witness, but the man who had been killed was the CEO of one of the wealthiest companies in Central City.

Barry ducked under the yellow tape and pulled on his gloves, crouching next to the man. There was blood all along one side of his scalp, indicating trauma from a blunt object, but the cause of death, at least on first glance, appeared to be a bullet to the chest. There was another bullet in his leg and a trail of blood leading away from the body, suggesting that he had been shot there first, and had tried to run. They wouldn't really know until the autopsy came in.

Barry stood up and turned towards Joe, about to tell him all this, when suddenly a series of loud noises came from behind him.

A second later, pain erupted in his left shoulder.

Barry was on the ground, yelling and every officer on the ground had their guns out, scrambling for cover. It was chaos. Barry gasped in his kneeling position, his hand going to his shoulder and coming away with blood. There were two other officers down. Barry heard another burst of gunfire. This time he turned, slowed down, and saw where the bullets were going. They ricocheted off walls but none hit anyone this time. Barry looked up and saw a figure disappear from one of the windows in the building across from him. Apparently so did some of the cops, because a couple of them took off running.

Joe was yelling into a radio about backup and then Eddie was in front of him, peeling away his fingers over his shoulder.

"We need an ambulance!" Eddie yelled.

One of the officers to his side was starting to sit up. The bullet had gone into his vest. The other one was starting to stand, holding his arm. Eddie had already gone up to him, but the bullet had only grazed his arm. Barry was the only one seriously hurt.

As soon as Joe was off the radio he was looking at Barry, going from his shoulder to his ashen face to the expression on Eddie's.

"Get him in the car," Joe said.

"What?" Eddie yelled. "Joe, he needs paramedics, right now."

"In the car," Joe said.

That's when the pain really hit Barry. His shoulder was on fire. Eddie was forcing him up, and then they were walking and Barry thought he was going to throw up.

Eddie grabbed the first aid kit from the trunk of the cruiser once Barry was in the back seat. The next thing Barry knew Eddie was wrapping gauze tightly around his shoulder.

"Ah," Barry winced. He flinched away from Eddie.

"Just hang in there Barry," Eddie said. Blood was soaking through the gauze even as Eddie applied it.

The front door opened and Joe slid into the seat, turning the ignition.

"Joe," Eddie started.

"Not now," Joe said. The car jerked into drive. Barry yelled and groaned at the sudden movement which sent him against the back of the seat. "We have to get him to Star Labs," Joe explained, "They're the only ones that have anesthetics that actually work on him."

"Alright," Eddie said, but he didn't sound convinced.

Barry sucked in a breath as Eddie's hand clamped down on the bullet wound, applying pressure. Barry tried to shrug him off.

"Sorry," Eddie said, giving him an apologetic smile.

Barry gritted his teeth. "Think you could ease up a little?"

Eddie smiled again. "Can't have you bleeding out on us, Allen."

"Not gonna bleed out," Barry mumbled. His shoulder hurt like hell but his body produced more blood cells at an alarming rate. And the wounds were probably already closing up. Which meant if the bullet was still in him they'd have to cut him open again.

Barry leaned his head back on the seat. _Stay calm,_ he told himself. But it was hard to focus when every time the car went over a bump his shoulder erupted in pain again.

"Is there an exit wound?" he asked.

"Didn't stop to check," Eddie said, but Barry heard the hesitation in his voice.

"It's still in there isn't it?"

"Don't worry about that now," Eddie said, "They're gonna fix you all up."

"Why don't you give Caitlin a call," Joe said from up front, "So she can get all set up for you."

Barry reached for his phone in his pocket, but his hand was shaking too bad to get to her contact. Eddie took the phone from him and found Caitlin's contact and hit call.

"_Hello_," she said.

"Hi, is this Caitlin," Eddie asked.

There was a pause. "_Yes_."

"It's Eddie." Eddie glanced at Barry and tried to smile again. "There was a little incident. Barry's um, he's been shot – in the shoulder."

Another pause. "_Is he conscious?_"

"Yeah."

"_OK, are you going to a hospital or –_"

"We're on our way to you," Eddie said.

"_OK, good. We'll have everything ready_."

"We're almost there," Joe said.

Barry gestured for the phone and Eddie handed it to him.

"Caitlin," Barry said.

"_Barry?"_

"Yeah, it's me. The bullet's still in my shoulder, Cait."

"_That's OK. It'll be OK, Barry. We can take care of that."_

"Here," Joe said.

Barry said a quick bye and pushed the phone back into his pocket. Joe helped him get out, steering him towards the entrance to Star labs. Eddie moved to follow but Joe threw the keys at him instead.

"Get back to the station," Joe said, "Tell them I had to get Barry to Star labs."

"Are you sure –," Eddie started.

"Yes," Joe said, "Call Iris too. God knows someone will have called her and she'll be waiting at the station."

"Alright," Eddie said, "Good luck, Barry."

With that he got back in the car and drove off while Joe helped Barry get inside. Each step hurt his shoulder, and his vision was starting to go black around the edges.

As soon as they entered Caitlin had him sitting on a bed, tearing away the gauze that Eddie had applied. She cut away his shirt too, exposing the wound. She grimaced and Cisco made a face.

"OK," she said, hiding her concern from Barry, "Looks like a bit of damage here."

"IV?" Cisco mouthed. Caitlin nodded.

"Alright, Barry," Caitlin said, moving around so that she was facing him. She took both his hands in hers, getting ready to explain what they would need to do. Barry's eyes were wide and he just looked so scared. It killed her.

"We're going to put in an IV first, to get the pain down a little, alright?"

Barry frowned.

"It'll be just like we practiced," she said, "Just a little pinch."

"We didn't do IV's," he said.

"I know," she said, "But you've done them before. It's just like a shot."

Barry shuddered.

"Barry," Caitlin said, still holding his hands, "I know this is happening really fast, but we really don't want to slow down. Your body's already healing around the bullets, so the faster we can get an IV in and start the less work we have to do on your shoulder."

That's about when Barry started hyperventilating. She was preparing him for the ordeal, for how fast everything was going to have to be.

Right on cue Cisco had the IV wheeled over and handing the needle to Caitlin. Barry looked at Caitlin.

"It's OK," she said, "Don't think about it. I'm just going to go ahead and do it – real quick now. It's alright, take a deep breath."

Everything was going too fast but Barry didn't have time to pull away, didn't really have time to do anything as Caitlin looked down and slid the needle into his hand abruptly. Barry gasped and looked down and then back up again because no, he really didn't want to look at the tube sticking out of his hand. He started to tremble, absolutely overwhelmed by all the noise and equipment around him. He shrunk in on himself.

"It's OK," Caitlin said as Cisco put something in through the IV. Everything took on that tingling numbness again, the anesthetic starting to work. Joe replaced Caitlin's spot on the bed next to him as Caitlin moved around to his back, at the bullet wound.

"Alright," Caitlin said, "I'm going to give you a couple shots now. Just like we practiced, remember, nothing bad."

Barry didn't have time to say anything before he felt them, just slightly on his shoulder. He could almost convince himself they were just needle pricks, not actual shots, like they had done earlier that day. The pain of them was numbed by the anesthetic already in the IV.

"Sit up, Barry," Caitlin said, "that's it."

Barry felt a sharp pain and flinched. Cisco's hands came down on his shoulder, holding him steady.

"It's alright, Barry," he said, "Caitlin's got it all covered. Be back to normal in no time."

Barry couldn't see what was going on, but he could feel it. The anesthetic either wasn't working as well or they hadn't waited long enough for it to really kick in because it was painful. Not as painful as it would have been, and not really anything he couldn't handle – just enough to make it an uncomfortable, pretty miserable experience.

Not to mention panic-inducing.

"Caitlin," Barry said.

"Yeah?"

"Is it – is it closed up?"

"Just a little bit. We're going to use that clamp we had last time, OK? The one that Cisco made to keep the area open when we worked on your shoulder the last time."

"OK," Barry said.

He felt a pressure and then a sharp pain again, but this time it was worse. He yelled and jerked away, but Cisco had his shoulder locked and Caitlin kept pushing on him. It felt like they were trying to tear his arm off.

"It's too big," Caitlin said, turning to Cisco.

"It's the only one I have," Cisco said.

"C-Caitlin," Barry said, his voice escalating.

"It's OK, Barry," she said, "It's just – it wasn't made for this. It's going to be uncomfortable but I can make it work."

"Just look at me, son," Joe said.

Barry tried but Caitlin was trying to get it in place again and it _hurt_. He could almost forget the panic in the pain, but then once it subsided the terror came crashing in again.

"There's more than one," Caitlin said.

Joe looked up and Cisco kind of froze before jumping into action, getting more supplies.

"What?" Barry said.

"It's OK," Caitlin said for the millionth time that day. At least it felt like that to her. "Just means… this might take a bit longer."

"Hey kid, stay with me," Joe said, "Everything's going to be alright."

Barry was shaking, his eyes glazed over and not looking at anything. Caitlin gave him a couple more shots of anesthetic while he wasn't paying attention, and then started looking for the bullets.

She removed one, and then started on the second. This one had gone in deeper. By that time Barry was white as a sheet, covered in sweat.

Joe had his hands against Barry's face. "Hey, Barry, come on, stay here. It's alright." Joe looked up to Caitlin. "He's going into shock."

"Barry," Caitlin said, "Can you focus for me? Everything is alright."

Barry blinked, trembled and flinched away again. Caitlin had to keep readjusting the device on his shoulder. The wounds were healing too fast.

"I'm not alright," Barry said suddenly.

Caitlin paused. "Yes you are," she said, "You're OK."

"No, Caitlin – Caitlin, _I'm not alright_."

And Caitlin flashed back to the elevator, to Barry. _I'm not OK. I'm never OK afterwards. You tell me every time that it'll be alright, but it never is._

"OK," Caitlin said, "take a deep breath. I'm almost done, Barry."

"Caitlin –"

"Almost, Barry I promise," Caitlin said. She had the second bullet and was pulling it out, "Just give me one more minute, Barry."

"Cait – stop, please," Barry said. He was shaking again.

"Almost," Caitlin said, "you're doing so well, Barry. It's OK. I know – I know it doesn't feel like it right now but it will be OK."

"Caitlin pulled out the second bullet and dropped it on the tray. She took out the clamp on his shoulder and then it was just washing out the wound and making sure everything was set to heal correctly. "Alright, there it is, done," Caitlin said, applying gauze to the site. Barry was still shaking, his arms crossed in front of him and staring right ahead.

Joe had his hand on Barry's arm, but Barry was limp.

"Cait-," Barry said. His teeth were chattering. Cisco draped a blanket over his shoulders but he didn't appear to notice. "Cait."

"I'm right here," Caitlin said, "Let's have you lie down." Cisco already had a pillow out and positioning it under Barry's shoulder. Barry still hissed at the contact but Caitlin got him to lie back. Barry was mumbling, eyes darting around everywhere, and he wouldn't stop shaking.

"I'm going to keep giving you the pain medication," Caitlin said, "But it should start feeling a lot better soon."

"Hurts."

"I know, it'll stop soon."

"Caitlin."

"I'm right here, Barry."

"I want to go home."

"As soon as your shoulder's healed up."

That's when Iris burst through the door. She had a hand over her mouth, and it was evident she had been crying. She made a bee line for Barry, but Joe got up and intercepted her on his way over.

"Hold on, Iris," he said, blocking her way. Iris craned her neck around Joe but Joe started leading her away. "I know you want to see him, baby, but you've gotta calm down first."

Iris wiped away a tear, letting out a long breath. "I'm calm," she said.

"No," Joe said, "He's in shock. He needs everyone around him very, very calm. He doesn't look like Barry right now. He's hurt and scared and I know you want to see him but you need to be one hundred percent calm before that. Take a minute, sweetie."

So Iris forced herself to relax while Caitlin tried to get Barry to do the same on the hospital bed.

"Don't go," Barry said.

"I'm not leaving," Caitlin said.

"I feel sick."

"It's OK."

"No, it's not."

"It will be."

"I don't feel good."

"You'll feel better soon."

"Don't leave."

"I'm not leaving."

Barry's speech was getting more and more jumbled, his eyes unfocused and distracted. Maybe the sedative that Caitlin had mixed in with the anesthetic was working better than she thought it would. Then again, it could be that he was traumatized and had lost a ton of blood.

"It won't stop," he said.

"What won't?"

"Everything."

"It'll be OK, Barry."

"I want it to stop."

"It will."

"When?"

"Soon."

"Don't go."

"I'm not going."

Caitlin brushed back the hair on his face, wiping away the sweat that had collected there. She took one of his hands again and Barry squeezed back weakly.

"It still hurts."

"Just a little longer."

"You always say that."

Iris finally came over. She sat on the bed and looked down.

"Hey Bar," she said, smiling.

"Iris," Barry said.

"Yeah, it's me."

"Please take me home."

Iris smiled at him, "I can't just yet Bar."

Barry frowned. "Please."

"As soon as you're better."

"They keep hurting me here."

Iris sucked in a breath and then carefully folded over the blanket on Barry's arm. "It's to help you, Bar."

"I don't want help."

"No," she said, "But you need it."

Barry frowned again. He had stopped shaking, but the pained look on his face was still there.

"Iris, honey," Joe said, "I think we need to let Caitlin do her job." He pulled Iris away, tears already forming again in her eyes. Joe knew Iris would have held it together for Barry's sake if she had to, but he was honestly afraid that Barry would say something flash related in his current state. He led Iris back outside.

Barry looked up at Caitlin. She smoothed back his hair one more time. "You'll be OK," she said.

**I know it's been a long time but it's an extra long chapter for you now. Will have more up soon. Promise. Let me know what you think, as always :) (Also considering, maybe, maybe making it snowbarry? Dunno yet. Possibly. No promises yet)**


	17. Chapter 17

**WARNING: self harm**

He healed fast. He healed so fast. It shouldn't have been a problem. It shouldn't have been a problem at all.

At first, Barry ignored it. He told himself it was just a bruise under his skin. He kept telling himself until the little red lines started trailing from it, until his skin was red and hot to the touch, until it hurt all the time.

Barry had been cutting again.

He told himself it was just to get by. He was doing well in his sessions with Caitlin. He could get through almost anything she had him do if he could cut afterwards. Iris anticipated it. She called him up as soon as he got out of Star Labs, talked with him for half the night. She did the same thing the next night. But he healed. He wore short sleeves. She didn't see anything. She knew he could hide it elsewhere, but she was starting to relax. Barry appeared to be doing fine.

Until the cut got infected.

He didn't even know how it happened, how it could have happened. He didn't even remember what he had used, because it showed up afterwards, a grey green splotch under his skin, then a burning, and then the red lines and the constant pain. Was it the pencil sharpener, the razor? What did he use that was contaminated? He hadn't been careful enough. He was too used to healing fast, too used to being able to deal with the consequences of anything he did. He hadn't thought about it.

And now there was a red green mass under his arm and he didn't know what to do. He was afraid to go to a local clinic but he couldn't go to Caitlin, so he did nothing and the mark got worse. He found he couldn't move his pinky exactly right. It was blocking off blood flow or intercepting nerves or something. He needed to tell Caitlin.

He tried to come up with a plausible excuse. Maybe he should just say that he didn't know how it happened. Except for the red line on top of it that had appeared afterwards. That looked exactly like a cut.

He didn't know what to do.

Because the truth was when he got home from Star labs that day he went straight into his bathroom for the razor. He didn't stop to call Iris, didn't stop to look at Caitlin's box, didn't stop at all. She would be mad. She would be disappointed. But most of all, she'd make him stop.

He couldn't stop.

It was getting into a habit again. He knew it, but he didn't know how to stop it. He didn't have Joe checking in on him every day anymore, didn't have anyone watching him, and there was nothing to stop him now that he was healing. It was working its way back to full blown addiction and he didn't know how to handle that. So he ignored it.

He saw Caitlin. He let her prick him with shots. He went home. He cut. He went to work. Couldn't focus. Got stressed. He cut. He got hurt? Cut. Had a panic attack? Cut. It was easy, simple, effective. Just enough to settle down, that's all he did. He healed, so it was fine. Like taking medicine. He wasn't going to die from it. It didn't leave scars. He wouldn't hurt himself badly, so why the hell not?

Well, except for the green-red Christmas decoration that was his arm at the moment. Except for that. The constant stinging, aching. Barry closed his eyes.

He was at a crime scene, another crime scene, and he was jumpy this time, looking everywhere before focusing on the actual clues around him. He was hoping no one noticed but it was clear from a couple of looks he got that he wasn't being as discrete as he would have liked. He had a sling around his arm to make it look more believable, but the official report was that the bullet just skimmed his arm and he'd be fine in a couple weeks. Eddie kept giving him funny looks for that. He had seen the wounds, but Joe had told him it wasn't as bad as it looked.

They still hadn't identified the shooter who attacked them, which meant he was still out there. The fact didn't really scare Barry – it was probably a completely random attack – but he couldn't believe he'd let it hit him like that. He had been totally unprepared.

Barry knelt to examine the evidence. It was just a robbery, but there was blood on ground, and shoe prints. No one had been injured that they knew of, so the blood was probably the thief's. They were already sending samples to analyze. Barry was more concerned with the pattern of the drops and how it correlated to the placement of footprints.

"… got run over by a truck and then shot in the shoulder – kid can't catch a break."

Barry tensed. He slowly stood up and then turned around to a couple of officers behind him.

"Is there something you wanted to say to me?" The words come out harder than he meant, or no maybe he meant them to be that hard, because he's sick of people talking about him and he's sick of the pity looks and he's sick of the damn officers who treat him like he's twelve. The look on their faces was shocked and silent.

"I didn't mean –" the one who had spoken started.

"Forget it," Barry said. He walked away before he said something he'd really regret, shaking out his hand and wishing he could get his arm out of the damn sling that he doesn't need anyway. He wants it gone, the reminder of what happened, of his shoulder and the needles and the bullets and _just a prick._

_there's more than one_

_hold still_

_that's it_

_this is going to hurt_

_get the restraints_

It was cycling through his mind again in a moment. Barry clenched his hands, walked quickly out of the crime scene and kept walking.

"Hey, Allen, where you going," someone yelled.

"Getting a drink," he said. How he wished he could get one, and not water.

"I'll come too," another person said, and then Eddie was next to him and Barry did not have time for this.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Eddie asked. He had to walk fast just to keep up with him, Barry was practically running away.

"Nothing. I'm fine," Barry said.

"You don't look fine."

"I'm fine."

"Was it the crime scene?"

"It wasn't anything."

"Have you seen the office shrink yet? I had to go when I got shot. It's not that bad, and –"

"I don't have to go."

"You don't? Why not?"

"I have a private therapist."

"Oh," Eddie said, somewhat surprised.

"At least, that's what's on my file."

Eddie frowned at him.

"I haven't actually gone in about five years."

The frown deepened. "You know, normally I'd say –"

Barry stopped abruptly. "You'd say screw the shrink, but I'm actually messed up, so you're thinking I should go, right? I'm working on it OK – just not with a shrink."

"Well – I mean, that's good."

"No, it's not," Barry said, walking again. He kept clenching and unclenching his hands. It was like half his brain wanted to go have a panic attack and the other half wanted to go get in a fight.

"Maybe you should go home, Barry, take a day off," Eddie said.

"Why does everyone keep saying that?" Barry said, "It's like you all think I magically get better once I'm inside four walls. Well, newsflash, I don't."

"Alright, maybe you should go to the park," Eddie said.

Barry looked over at him.

"I'm just throwing out suggestions."

No, Barry knew what he needed, he needed a razor blade, and he needed one now. As soon as he thought it that itch started up again, just under his skin, boiling away at him. He needed an edge on his skin, needed something to stop the pounding in his head and that tension that seemed to be in his blood, not his muscles. He clenched his hands, dug his nails into his palms.

"Barry," Eddie said, his voice taking on a completely different tone.

"What?" he snapped.

"You're doing that thing."

"What thing?"

"That thing where you look at nothing, and I can practically see –"

"I'm fine."

"You're thinking about it, aren't you?"

Barry shot him a glance.

Eddie raised his eyebrows. "Tell me you're not, then."

Barry didn't say anything.

"Do you need anything?" Eddie asked.

"I need you to leave me alone," Barry said. He felt bad as soon as he said it. It was harsh. Eddie was trying to help.

Fortunately for him, Eddie didn't appear to be affected. "Yeah, there's this little bit where Iris would kill me if I did that, so I'm going to go with a no on that one."

"You don't need to babysit me for Iris," Barry snapped again.

Eddie frowned at him. "I'm not Barry, I was joking. I don't want you to get hurt."

And Barry felt bad. Again.

"I know. Sorry," he said.

"You want to tell me what's really going on?" Eddie asked.

They were in front of an empty street and Barry's fingers went through his hair and he stopped walking and it burst out of his mouth before he could say anything.

"I need to go to Star Labs," he said.

Eddie frowned. "For your shoulder?"

"No."

"A check – up?"

"No."

There was a pause. "Oh," Eddie said, realization flashing across his face. "Oh, shit Barry, is it bad?"

Barry was trembling. "I don't know what to do," he said.

"OK," Eddie said, putting a hand around his good shoulder, "Alright, well, why don't we take a walk, and we'll go down. It's not far from here."

And Barry started to follow him because he didn't know what else to do and because even now, the cut _hurt_ and it was going to get worse, and he knew it was going to get worse, and maybe he could just convince them it was a stupid accident or a onetime thing and maybe it could just be over with and he would _never_ use anything remotely unclean again.

"Can I see it?" Eddie asked.

Barry rolled up his sleeve. The mark was there on his wrist, ugly and red and raw and damning.

"_Shit_," Eddie said. He looked up at him again. "Barry," he said, "that's not good. That's serious. If something like this happens you need to tell someone _before_ it gets bad."

"I – I know," Barry said, "I just – I didn't know what to do. I didn't… I didn't want them to know."

And maybe that's why he told Eddie, because it was easier. Because he didn't want to see the disappointment and the guilt and the fear that he knew he would see with Joe and Iris and Caitlin. Because Eddie just reacted. Access the damage. Get to Star Labs. Fix it. And worry about everything else afterwards.

"Alright," Eddie said, "but you could have saved yourself a lot of pain. They were going to find out eventually."

And he's right, but Barry still doesn't want to admit it. Yes, he should have gone as soon as he saw it was infected, but he was scared, and he kind of just thought maybe if he ignored it, it would just _go away_.

Which was dumb. And illogical. But he had done it anyway.

They didn't take a cab, although it was a bit of a hike there. They walked instead, because Barry was just following Eddie and Eddie was pretty sure taking a walk and getting some energy out would be better than putting Barry inside a confined space to brood.

When they got there Caitlin was working on a laptop, Wells was nowhere to be found and Cisco was playing with what looked like a toy helicopter, but knowing him was probably equipped with bullets and lasers or something.

Needless to say they were quite surprised when Eddie walked in alongside Barry.

"Um, hello," Caitlin said, looking from the officer to Barry and back again.

Eddie looked at Barry. _You want to tell them?_

Barry looked at the ground. Eddie sighed. They walked up to Caitlin and Eddie gestured at Barry's arm and Barry held it up and Eddie rolled down the sleeve and showed Caitlin.

Caitlin's eyes went very wide very fast.

"OK, then, let me get a bed ready," she said, taking in a long breath. She was off, and then Cisco was looking strangely at her, and then he caught a glimpse at Barry's arm and Caitlin must have told him because he did not look nearly as surprised as he should have.

"Gonna get supplies," Cisco said. Eddie and Barry followed them both into another room, the medical one, and Barry sat down on the bed Caitlin had, looking absolutely miserable and Eddie stood to the side because he wasn't sure if Barry would rather he stay or leave.

"Can you call Iris?" he asked.

There was a crumpling feeling in Eddie's gut as he heard him say that, the absolute misery in his voice.

"Yeah, sure, Barry," he said, "You want me to stay, or…?"

"You can go," he said, "Tell them I got sick or I had an appointment or – actually you know what, I really don't care what you tell them."

"Alright," Eddie said, "I'll call her. You want me to call Joe too?"

Barry's stomach flipped. "No, I'll talk to him later."

"Alright," Eddie said, "I'll see you later then."

"Bye," Barry said, "And, uh, thanks."

"No problem." Eddie said. He walked out, wondering how he was going to explain this to his girlfriend.

**Alright, sorry, but I like Eddie, and Barry needs a friend. Sorry this one took so long - figuring out where I'm going with it - thanks for reading :)**


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